Whose Loss?
Lately I've been struggling with wanting her intensely. She wants to be just friends. I'm trying to be ok with that because, frankly, it doesn't help my cause not to be. There are problems with this stage of our "just friends era": she's very busy. Legitimately busy. A career-oriented job, career-advancing training, her social life, the normal things we all do when we're not at work, responsibilities, chilling out, hanging with our various groups of friends. All that is fine, but since we became just friends I fell out of the above list. Since then there hasn't been much time for me.
Perhaps part of that is also her own need to make the transition, though I'm guessing it must be easier for her because it was her decision. We haven't even talked on the phone in 3 weeks. I've called a few times, gotten the voicemail. Messages were always returned but only as text messages or eMails. She hasn't called me. Yet in a recent eMail her last sentence was, "call me sometime if you want and I'll do the same". I called. Voicemail. She replied a few days later in eMail apologizing, but she'd been under the gun w/ finding a new housemate.
So I recieved another eMail Friday and I think it's been bugging me since. She went out of town (I knew this, she told me she was going out of town). She got back on a Tuesday. I knew this because she told me in the Friday eMail. So, again, she's in contact but 3 days after returning from a trip and in an eMail. Does that mean she doesn't really want to call?
It's a tremendous drag because I really like this girl. During the time I was seeing her or we were hanging together, however you want to put it, I felt so fucking good most of the time. I felt I could really do great things, even if I was just at work processing stock. In my head I was charged with energy toward finding some new way to be good to her, hang with her, kiss her, make her laugh, go places with her. And much of the time it seemed like she was into me as well, though twice she took me aside making sure that I realized she was not looking for a serious relationship. I felt ok with that but I think my style of being with someone facilitates them thinking that I'm actively building a serious thing. I wasn't, not actively, which was a surprise to even me, but I was ok with how we were, with perhaps a few adjustments which I never brought up to her.
She's so great. If you know her, you probably know this. I'm not saying I think she's perfect. I'm not saying she's "the one". I'm not saying I can't live without her. I am saying that being with her and being near her helps propel me toward doing the things to better myself on all levels. And when you both know and are attracted to someone like that, you know you've got a winner.
So the flip-side of my dilemma is, if I CAN'T manage to tone down my desire for her that easily and the want of being with her makes it seem then she's in the right for ending the physical / intimacy side of the relationship. The snag for me, as stated before (perhaps not clearly) is how can we really be friends when there's even less time for me than before (when we were hanging out I'd see her once or twice a week, and only gotten to spend an entire day with her once in the 4 months I've known her)? How can we really be friends if she doesn't call and take initiative to invite me somewhere or to do something? I'm available. You know I'll call if you want me to. I'm not about playing games, that takes up precious time that could be used enjoying each other's company with few pretenses. Romantic mystery is still an option even when you know how much someone likes you. I've been going out frequently, hanging with friends, enjoying their company, doing my own thing and will continue to do so. But half of the time when I'm out having fun I still lack the full-on joy. When I'm with her I feel joy. It almost feels like a punishment not being with her. Most of what I want is to be good to her. I don't really ask for to much. Of course the first thing I'd ask for if I could would be more time. So I'm stuck.
I guess I DO ultimately want something serious, but I wasn't imposing it on her and I wasn't honestly actively trying to get her into something serious. I definitely am/was serious about being as good to her (socially, physically, emotionally) as I could be and I felt at that I was steadily improving. I told her point blank (twice, actually) if she met someone else and liked them / wanted to spend more time with them, I deal with it.
But here I am, not fully successfully dealing with her not being with me. I have no idea if in the 3 weeks since we've last been together if she's seen anyone / seeing anyone on a dating level. I suppose at this point she doesn't have to tell me if she is. I'm not sure if knowing would make my recovery any easier. I'm actually open to my seeing someone too, but I'm not actively looking and even when I have met someone, so far it's been a nice conversation and a spark of physical desire on my end but not that extra something I found in this girl.
This is all a bit one-sided. I promise you I'm not an obsessive threat to her or anyone. I'm basically looking for a way to adjust my understanding so I can deal and move forward more quickly than I seem able at this point. I know I can be her friend, but my desire for her is tremendous and I know she doesn't want that so I have to find my way through that. On her end I think it'd be fair if she took more of an initiative to invite me over, invite me out to a social something (museum, film, whatever, y'know, what friends do) or to dinner as a friend or something that lets me know she really does want to be friends and wants to do things with me not just when I ask. I'd like her to share more, as friends do. I see the fine line there between what I state and what seems to be a slight for me being led into thinking she wants to resume intimacy or physicality. There is that "hazard" and I imagine I'd be right in my own crosshairs in that one, but I think it's the same "hazard" all people deal with whether there's stated attraction or not.
I want to be effortless, at least in appearance, when dealing with this and be able to be with her and laugh, joke and bond as easily as we did without my desire cropping up and making itself a nuisance. I think I can be her friend without the physical aspect. I know I'll want the physical aspect, but I've survived that scenario with a girl dozens of times before I met her. What I need to do is to show her I can be her friend without the physicality so she can feel comfortable about hanging out with me and not having to stress about whether I'll start trying to / asking her if we could "go back to like it used to be." That is one of my main challenges right now. I'm up for it, despite my intense desire. But at this point I still believe she has to make the next move and call. I've called. I've invited her to things recently. She's got to meet me half-way and then trust me that we can move forward together. I've got to earn & keep that trust, yes, but I also have to first be given a chance to do so. If I keep calling and asking her to do stuff, even though she said to call, then that's not going to work.
I don't think she's playing me or stringing me along. Again, she's been legitimately busy. She has so much going on in her life right now (and probably before she & I met). I've just fallen from getting to be with her once a week and talking to her several times a week to not seeing her for 3 weeks and only receiving answers to my calls / messages via eMail. That's a long way to fall. I have to tell you I do feel some of the blame is with me. I was too vocal about my attraction to her. Even though we weren't in love and I knew she wasn't interested in being serious, I felt telling her these things empowered me (I felt good about her, I wanted to share that and it made me want to share a lot of myself with everyone) and it's easy for me to want to give back to someone who is making me feel kingly.
Kingly.
I remember once it was late and she had to work early and I'd already stayed too late for her to get her usual needed amount of sleep. We were holding each other and talking quietly. I said it was time for me to go and she smiled, shook her head, held me tighter and said, "ten more minutes."
Kissing. One night she was driving me mad because, for whatever reason, her lips were noticeably softer than before (and I notice stuff all the time; her lips are soft to begin) and I just could not get enough of kissing her. She is the best kiss I've ever had. I can't tell you how much I miss that. I suppose I am telling you exactly how much I miss that.
There so many details left out of this. What's here doesn't actually paint me in a great light. I seem like a jilted, selfish, immature boy, despite the praise I give her. You probably couldn't stand to hear me whine about it, talking in circles about how great things were but how grey they are now. Why can't I just be a man and find someone else? It's the independent ones they are more attracted to anyway. I sound like my obsession is the very kind (and at the very level) that anyone, man or woman, would abhor in having to deal with in someone that was attracted to them. I promise you, it's not. The last thing I want to do is show her this weakness. She knows how I feel about her, that's never been a secret and if I had to do it over again, I wouldn't keep it a secret then either, though I'd try much harder to moderate it's frequency of divulging. I want to be strong for myself so that she trusts I can handle something difficult (and abstract) like this. So she feels more comfortable about hanging with me. I've said that before. Circles. I do want things from her. Up to now I haven't asked for much. I think several of the things I want I deserve as any friend would.
Regardless of all that, what's ultimately most important to me is that I get right with myself. I lost a bit of my mojo 3 weeks ago, I still have plenty. I need to keep channeling what I have into bigger and more positive things for myself. Just like I would / should had I never met her.
But I have to tell you (again), being with her is a major mojo boost. Major.
I do miss you. But I feel you should consider me more than it seems you sometimes do.
Perhaps part of that is also her own need to make the transition, though I'm guessing it must be easier for her because it was her decision. We haven't even talked on the phone in 3 weeks. I've called a few times, gotten the voicemail. Messages were always returned but only as text messages or eMails. She hasn't called me. Yet in a recent eMail her last sentence was, "call me sometime if you want and I'll do the same". I called. Voicemail. She replied a few days later in eMail apologizing, but she'd been under the gun w/ finding a new housemate.
So I recieved another eMail Friday and I think it's been bugging me since. She went out of town (I knew this, she told me she was going out of town). She got back on a Tuesday. I knew this because she told me in the Friday eMail. So, again, she's in contact but 3 days after returning from a trip and in an eMail. Does that mean she doesn't really want to call?
It's a tremendous drag because I really like this girl. During the time I was seeing her or we were hanging together, however you want to put it, I felt so fucking good most of the time. I felt I could really do great things, even if I was just at work processing stock. In my head I was charged with energy toward finding some new way to be good to her, hang with her, kiss her, make her laugh, go places with her. And much of the time it seemed like she was into me as well, though twice she took me aside making sure that I realized she was not looking for a serious relationship. I felt ok with that but I think my style of being with someone facilitates them thinking that I'm actively building a serious thing. I wasn't, not actively, which was a surprise to even me, but I was ok with how we were, with perhaps a few adjustments which I never brought up to her.
She's so great. If you know her, you probably know this. I'm not saying I think she's perfect. I'm not saying she's "the one". I'm not saying I can't live without her. I am saying that being with her and being near her helps propel me toward doing the things to better myself on all levels. And when you both know and are attracted to someone like that, you know you've got a winner.
So the flip-side of my dilemma is, if I CAN'T manage to tone down my desire for her that easily and the want of being with her makes it seem then she's in the right for ending the physical / intimacy side of the relationship. The snag for me, as stated before (perhaps not clearly) is how can we really be friends when there's even less time for me than before (when we were hanging out I'd see her once or twice a week, and only gotten to spend an entire day with her once in the 4 months I've known her)? How can we really be friends if she doesn't call and take initiative to invite me somewhere or to do something? I'm available. You know I'll call if you want me to. I'm not about playing games, that takes up precious time that could be used enjoying each other's company with few pretenses. Romantic mystery is still an option even when you know how much someone likes you. I've been going out frequently, hanging with friends, enjoying their company, doing my own thing and will continue to do so. But half of the time when I'm out having fun I still lack the full-on joy. When I'm with her I feel joy. It almost feels like a punishment not being with her. Most of what I want is to be good to her. I don't really ask for to much. Of course the first thing I'd ask for if I could would be more time. So I'm stuck.
I guess I DO ultimately want something serious, but I wasn't imposing it on her and I wasn't honestly actively trying to get her into something serious. I definitely am/was serious about being as good to her (socially, physically, emotionally) as I could be and I felt at that I was steadily improving. I told her point blank (twice, actually) if she met someone else and liked them / wanted to spend more time with them, I deal with it.
But here I am, not fully successfully dealing with her not being with me. I have no idea if in the 3 weeks since we've last been together if she's seen anyone / seeing anyone on a dating level. I suppose at this point she doesn't have to tell me if she is. I'm not sure if knowing would make my recovery any easier. I'm actually open to my seeing someone too, but I'm not actively looking and even when I have met someone, so far it's been a nice conversation and a spark of physical desire on my end but not that extra something I found in this girl.
This is all a bit one-sided. I promise you I'm not an obsessive threat to her or anyone. I'm basically looking for a way to adjust my understanding so I can deal and move forward more quickly than I seem able at this point. I know I can be her friend, but my desire for her is tremendous and I know she doesn't want that so I have to find my way through that. On her end I think it'd be fair if she took more of an initiative to invite me over, invite me out to a social something (museum, film, whatever, y'know, what friends do) or to dinner as a friend or something that lets me know she really does want to be friends and wants to do things with me not just when I ask. I'd like her to share more, as friends do. I see the fine line there between what I state and what seems to be a slight for me being led into thinking she wants to resume intimacy or physicality. There is that "hazard" and I imagine I'd be right in my own crosshairs in that one, but I think it's the same "hazard" all people deal with whether there's stated attraction or not.
I want to be effortless, at least in appearance, when dealing with this and be able to be with her and laugh, joke and bond as easily as we did without my desire cropping up and making itself a nuisance. I think I can be her friend without the physical aspect. I know I'll want the physical aspect, but I've survived that scenario with a girl dozens of times before I met her. What I need to do is to show her I can be her friend without the physicality so she can feel comfortable about hanging out with me and not having to stress about whether I'll start trying to / asking her if we could "go back to like it used to be." That is one of my main challenges right now. I'm up for it, despite my intense desire. But at this point I still believe she has to make the next move and call. I've called. I've invited her to things recently. She's got to meet me half-way and then trust me that we can move forward together. I've got to earn & keep that trust, yes, but I also have to first be given a chance to do so. If I keep calling and asking her to do stuff, even though she said to call, then that's not going to work.
I don't think she's playing me or stringing me along. Again, she's been legitimately busy. She has so much going on in her life right now (and probably before she & I met). I've just fallen from getting to be with her once a week and talking to her several times a week to not seeing her for 3 weeks and only receiving answers to my calls / messages via eMail. That's a long way to fall. I have to tell you I do feel some of the blame is with me. I was too vocal about my attraction to her. Even though we weren't in love and I knew she wasn't interested in being serious, I felt telling her these things empowered me (I felt good about her, I wanted to share that and it made me want to share a lot of myself with everyone) and it's easy for me to want to give back to someone who is making me feel kingly.
Kingly.
I remember once it was late and she had to work early and I'd already stayed too late for her to get her usual needed amount of sleep. We were holding each other and talking quietly. I said it was time for me to go and she smiled, shook her head, held me tighter and said, "ten more minutes."
Kissing. One night she was driving me mad because, for whatever reason, her lips were noticeably softer than before (and I notice stuff all the time; her lips are soft to begin) and I just could not get enough of kissing her. She is the best kiss I've ever had. I can't tell you how much I miss that. I suppose I am telling you exactly how much I miss that.
There so many details left out of this. What's here doesn't actually paint me in a great light. I seem like a jilted, selfish, immature boy, despite the praise I give her. You probably couldn't stand to hear me whine about it, talking in circles about how great things were but how grey they are now. Why can't I just be a man and find someone else? It's the independent ones they are more attracted to anyway. I sound like my obsession is the very kind (and at the very level) that anyone, man or woman, would abhor in having to deal with in someone that was attracted to them. I promise you, it's not. The last thing I want to do is show her this weakness. She knows how I feel about her, that's never been a secret and if I had to do it over again, I wouldn't keep it a secret then either, though I'd try much harder to moderate it's frequency of divulging. I want to be strong for myself so that she trusts I can handle something difficult (and abstract) like this. So she feels more comfortable about hanging with me. I've said that before. Circles. I do want things from her. Up to now I haven't asked for much. I think several of the things I want I deserve as any friend would.
Regardless of all that, what's ultimately most important to me is that I get right with myself. I lost a bit of my mojo 3 weeks ago, I still have plenty. I need to keep channeling what I have into bigger and more positive things for myself. Just like I would / should had I never met her.
But I have to tell you (again), being with her is a major mojo boost. Major.
I do miss you. But I feel you should consider me more than it seems you sometimes do.
posted by Afterlife at 7:45 PM
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