Love Song as Potential Stalker Warning

In a rare spout of frequency, I've been dreaming of you lately. Once the other night which was either the very first time (I don't think so) or the very first in a long time (more likely; I actually need to post the details of that dream in here), and last night / this morning, every time I went back to sleep You were right there in my dreams (I, in the best of times am notorious for hitting the snooze, not to mention that my clock has memory for 2 separate alarms; adding to that Thursday nights was one of the worst /longest / physically painful nights in recent history, so I needed every second of sleep).

The 1st and most significant one had to do with you & I moving into a place with a 3rd person, whom I feel like is your current roommate. We were in DC. It was all so non-extraordinary. A given. Fact. We had separate rooms. There was nothing implied in our manner that made me feel like we were physically or romantically involved, but when I awoke I was laughing because the the thought of that being a possible reality tickles me (in a good way). Twice I've briefly fantasized about moving into the place you live. Even when we were closer, I'd doubt you would've let that happen. But what do I know? Actually, knowing you, you probably wouldn't have had a problem with it, but would've certainly took me aside and had a talk. Nothing wrong with that.

Funny, though. When you broke things off with me, you waited for me to start the conversation. I only really gave that detail much thought recently. I feel you used the pretense of me having wanted to talk to you about stuff weeks before to move into that conversation instead of just coming out and saying what you were going to say anyway, despite what I had started to notice a few weeks prior. You're an odd girl sometimes, and as such it often takes me a little while to catch up. By then it's usually too late to properly defend a postition or properly stick up for myself.

Anyway, the other two dream instances we were firmly involved in each other's lives and I had the feeling moreso romantically though soon after waking up I lost any pertinent details of either dream. The feeling remained, but of course that could so easily be just wishful thinking during the day filtering into wish fulfillment dreaming at night.

It's curious. I often say or think I'd take you back in a second, but for the time being I've given up on asking you out and I'm still being very careful how I approach you at work. Perhaps this is my ultimate tragic flaw: too careful. Too considerate of others and not enough of myself. There's ways to be more considerate of others without losing grip of what I want. I know I am on a tether. One I've never (or, optimistically I can say "yet") outgrown. I'm making my own place but still feel on the fringe. I feel worthy of you emotionally, but completely unworthy in any other regard. Romantically I'm ok, though the physicality wasn't anywhere near where I'd like it to be (for my part). Again, I wanted to treat you in ways you wouldn't be able to resist. I wanted my lavish attention to succeed in freeing us both to send each other through the roof.

Too many books. Too many movies. Living too much inside my head and so far I've translated all that poorly into daily life. But the day I give up hope is the day I stop breathing, one way or another. Life isn't worth it if lived unloved.

The tether must be broken. I have to free myself, even more. I must transcend. I know this guarantees me nothing with you. You don't need what I need. You don't need what I wished you even wanted from me. And though you are foremost in my mind (and heart) right now I know all this talk of romanticism and transcendence, if ever achieved, doesn't even remotely mean that it will some how change you into someone who actively wants me. I of course would like that to be the case, but I fully realize -- and always have -- no matter what changes within me occur, they won't necessarily affect you one bit.

But because right now you are the best girl all my roads lead to you. All the girls I meet and openly flirt with or openly feel attractive pull toward mean next to nothing but adding a bit of spark to my day. Freeing myself a little more. It all comes into perspective when I think of how you can do the same thing. How you've certainly kept moving forward and dated, kissed & loved (physically) someone in the time since me. Hell, it's been 4 months. I the only guy I know that isn't a total freak that goes that amount of time and longer without kissing or sleeping with someone. I guess I am a freak.

Really, the main reason I don't ask you out is my poor situation outside of work. I don't go out much currently, can't really afford it and I don't want to get back into the habit of going out several times a week and not really doing the things I need to be doing to keep myself moving forward. That social fix is always a lure, especially for someone as alone as I am most of the time. But solitary may help strengthen me. I've never noticed that it did before, but times are always potential for change. I just have to keep grinding, digging deeper, making more sacrifices and see the big picture.

And amidst all of that somehow still manage to free myself.

It's a very interesting event how you've changed me in 3 short months and within that how I am still very much the same. Why is this still who I am?

Where went my ability to adapt and become what was needed?

The Title Means Nothing. The Day Should've Meant More

Today I needed sleep. I could've gone to bed earlier, but didn't. I woke up with my alarm @ 9 a.m., but couldn't push through and took the time to re-set it. One more hour, that's all I need.

Up at 10:30. Hot shower, feels good. Out of the house. Drop by work to pick up my meager paycheck. On my way to my bank, which is 30 minutes away since I've yet to change banks or open a new account in a local one. It takes me 30 minutes just to get out of Falls Church due to huge delays on two completely separate roads, forcing me to backtrack 3 times. Third time's the charm.

When I got to Manassas, my bank was closed. I'm a bonehead for not remembering it closed at noon and not 1 p.m. I'm weak for not being able to get out of bed when I should've in order to get to the bank on time.

I drove to my friend's house. I need sleep. I finally arrive and instead of going in I just lean my seat back and go to sleep. Eventually his wife comes out and wakes me, hoping nothing was wrong. I just need sleep. I sleep a bit longer and finally go in. Their 3 kids are always over-joyed to see me, and I usually them but today I just do not have it. I normally rough-house and let them climb all over me and act more their age for the first hour or so and then it's adult time, but today I just do not have it. I play with them a little but fairly passively. Their parents leave them in my care for 30 minutes or so as they take a trip to the local hardware / home furnishings store. It's ok. I wasn't expecting it, but it's not a problem. Everything's fine.

My attention is constantly sought, shown-off for and in demand by the kids. One can barely ask a question before another asks another. Usually I'm ok with this. Today, I do not have it. I'm a bit short with them. I don't play "horsey" for more than 3 minutes. I don't let them climb my legs and do backflips. I do let them walk on my back. That actually feels good. I do let them climb over me & use me as a pillow as I lie down and watch a movie. That's ok except when they start fighting over position. I fall asleep 2 or 3 more times while watching movies. I'm inside all day. I'd rather be outside, but the only people outside are the kids and I have no energy to play with them. There isn't a huge amount of personal interaction with my friend or his wife until dinner time. They ask me about you. Well, the wife asks about you. I ask the husband, "didn't you tell her?" but no...I guess not. So I give her the update trying not to sound too pathetic. I tell her I do want you "back" but not sure what to do, since it seems obvious that's not what you want. I mean, even when you finally invited me to do something with you, it was last minute and you text-messaged me instead of calling. So, did you really want me to come?

I can't imagine what I've done to deserve not even the courtesy of a phone call. You haven't called me in 2 months. And even when I called you, you'd only respond by eMail or text. That's lame. I'm not actually tired or weary of trying to coordinate time to do something with you. I just don't know if you think it's worth the effort. You know me. You know if I can do something with & for you, I will. You make it sound like our schedules are so out of sync. Your schedule is out of sync. Mine is open for you. Mine is open for any number of people who want to spend time with me. You have more demands on your time than I do. And when you do have free time, I'm not the first choice, obviously, that comes to mind. That's not even so terrible. I can deal with that. But I still don't think much of an effort is being made. I deserve a phone call. I was doing my best to treat you as best I could and I only felt that was even going to improve as other parts of my life did so. I felt I was doing well. I do realize my mistakes, but they weren't mistakes of neglect, taking for granted, ego or mistreatment. I played by your rules as best I could despite a few things that were pretty unfair to me. I barely complained. I did my best to reassure you why I was so enthusiastic about being with you and why that enthusiasm was nothing for you to be afraid of, concerned about or suspicious of.

I even gave you an easy out, should it occur. If you found someone you wanted to be with more than me, just tell me and I'd find a way to deal with it. But there wasn't anyone. Or, at least that wasn't why you stated you wanted our physical relationship to end. I guess to that point, that doesn't matter. You were fairly in control and if you didn't want certain things to happen anymore then that is completely within your right. And, as such, I complied. I called when I thought it was appropriate and when you invited me to do so. I admittedly came up with some weak ideas for things to do, but I was still making an effort and wanted to included you on something that I was going to do (or wanted to do).

I have no idea why I'm rehashing this. It seems all my feelings are sort of moot, because c'est la vie. No one gets out without getting hurt, or confused, or angry. No one is spared felt being wasted or thrown away at some point in their life. I have to take my lumps like everyone else. It's almost like I don't even have an argument and as such, should be able to move on effortlessly just by forcing my logic to dominate my feelings. Good luck with that, son. I'll keep trying, but I've barely managed thus far.

I drove home, fairly depressed, not only how a rare Saturday was nearly completely wasted but just plain stupid loneliness. This is all kind of stupid. I called my friend hoping she'd invite me over, but that didn't happen. She was half-asleep watching a David Lynch movie. I wasn't even sure if she was alone or not. I kind of regretted making the call: pathetic. Still, I liked hearing her voice.

Everyone's got their thing going on and I'm still just around when it's convenient. And I stuggle interminably with just putting my nose to the grind and "making" myself more interesting, more outgoing, more everything, but it all just seems so cosmetic sometimes. I do a million things by myself and doing more things by myself is just more time by myself. Gee whiz, then when I do get to be with someone I can spend minutes at a time recounting to them how interesting my life is. I guess we all do that to a degree. On its own, my life can be, has been, and will be pretty fucking interesting. But with you, it will be amazing. There is more than a handful of people that last thought relates to. Figure it out.

Git 'Cho Ass ta Bed

Here we are again and it's 4 a.m. I've just finished posting my latest reviews. I imagine they'll get smarmier, snappier, more personal and provocative until I get super lucky and get discovered and then I'll have to tone them down for the masses on Respectable Street. Happens to everyone. Besides, I'm already inclined to be more to the conservative side when it comes to expression (actually, that depends). Sometimes I think YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH *ahem* and sometimes I just think I don't want to come across as someone with "issues" and has to be "on" all the time or be a spectacle (a spectacle on Respectable?). Maybe this is where therapy could assist. I LOVE attention. I LOVE privacy. I don't have a balance of either. It's too much or too little. I have things to say, sometimes insightful, sometimes funny, sometimes stupid and sometimes ignorant. I feel like I've put myself in a coma for a decade and have only truly emerged (am I a butterfly yet? What the fuck? TEN YEARS. TENNNNN YEARRRRRRSSSSS) around mid-January of this year. I'm in a bit of a holding point at the moment, needing to make a major move VERY soon. Dude, the all-caps is getting dull, clue yourself. Ok. Sorry. Thanks. Are italics ok? See, I WANT you to read this like I'm thinking it. Dig?

Back to our story. Sometimes I stay up goofing off. Sometimes doing work (I just about 2 hrs ago finished a particularly good round of posting to eBay and rewarded myself with a mango, which wasn't very good but better than all the other mangos I've had this year. Some pusher is selling bad mangos and they're on the streets, keeping the youth of American down and on the corners, begging for more mangos, selling their bodies. Babies making babies all for the next hit of a fresh, juicy mango. I'm yo brotha, I'm yo daddy, sell you bad mangos in the alley, I'm yo pusherman. Curtis Mayfield would not approve.)

N. E. Way, last week I was Mr. Angsty so I couldn't sleep when I wanted to, yet, curiously I've also been in a tremendously consistent streak of waking up laughing. Oh how amazing that feels. I should tell you about it sometime. What? Now? Here? Freakin' demanding...

Well. When I (finally) go to sleep I tend to be able to find slumberland very quickly. However, I'll also wake up in about 18-20 minutes and not be able to get back to sleep for a bit. Lately (and frequently) I've been waking up from these unintentional power naps laughing from the dream I'm experiencing. This has happened before, during regular sleeping cycles, not so much in this initial 20 minute sleep sprint. I rarely remember what was making me laugh, but I adore the feeling it gives me. It's occasionally almost as good as kissing someone, pulling back and seeing their face and happily realizing you actually DID (the caps! the caps!) kiss someone and it wasn't just your pillow or the crook of your right arm. Or left. I don't need to know how you do it. That's your business, leave me out of it you lonely freak.

*ahem*

This week (ok, it's only Monday, STOP INTERRUPTING) I'm not so angsty, having great time with co-workers, but I also have to bust a few moves very soon to get a) my summer underway and b) my mojo back in full swing. Time to act. Jump in the fire and make like smoke & rise. Straight to the top, where the air is fresh and clean. I can't let sorrow try and pull ol' Anthony down...

Straight to the top-ah.

Bending, bending: will the bow break?

I'm moving forward. My enthusiasm is a bit unenthusiastic. When I see the things you've done, the places you've gone, the time you've had without me, it all begins to hurt again. Fortunately for me, it's not enough to stop me. This is, after all a new me. A me, you actually had a significant contribution in turning around. The old me would be in deep crumble mode. I go out. I have fun. I have full belly laughs. I wake up laughing and feel wonderful. I interact with people and feel it's more than just a pleasant passing of time. I go out and do my own things without you. I have no idea how this makes you feel or if you think about it much at all.

After all, if you did miss it, wouldn't you have called me by now? I do not live in hope that you will call me. I do not think you will suddenly invite me somewhere to be with you in any capacity. I'm amazed that you've been able to break it off so completely. I guess in that I've had so little experience with relationships, I've also not had much experience being the one who is let go.

I so miss you. And I suppose for a long time I will continue to miss you. The better my life gets, perhaps the more I will miss you because the more I will wish you could be there with me to share it. I do not want this to happen. This would be an all new level of clinging and living in the past for me. I do not want that.

I wonder how much denial I'm under. I feel everything I told you about how I was ok with your terms is true. I didn't like certain aspects, I felt you fairly disrespected me, yet it was ultimately a verbal contract to which I agreed. I did tell you that any time you wanted to spend with me is time I wanted to be with you. I did tell you if there was someone else you wanted to be with, then I'd deal with it. I suppose, technically that also means if there's no one you want to be with, I have to accept that too. Of course I have to accept it. I have no real bargaining position unless you like me.

It seems you stopped liking me, even as friends. We aren't friends. We don't share. The only time I've gotten to see you in the last 2 months was due to convenience and it wasn't mine. You wore your red hat. I so like you in that hat. That is redundant. There are actually things I don't like about you. Believe it or not. I never thought you were perfect. I know in my intensity you felt uncomfortable, but at times I still wonder if I was able to tone it down to levels you were comfortable with if things would've been much better. Maybe we would've lasted longer, but I wonder if you could still do the things you want to do with me around. I promise you I never sought to monopolize you. Despite how it might've seemed our relationship was headed, I was on no schedule, no ultimage goal or agenda except to spend time with you and be good to you. Make you laugh, make you feel good, continue to having those great conversations we'd have on a weekly basis. Do you miss that at all? You're a gorgeous girl. You have more options and surely there is someone always available to try and do these things for you.

I've thanked you for boosting my life so significantly in such a short time. At the same time I never saw you as my "savior". I did not / do not worship you. I merely feel great about you. I derived a lot of positive energy just knowing I could see you once a week. I wanted more, but I never complained when it didn't happen. I never really complained about anything, though I had my complaints. I realized, even early on, that all of my complaints were fairly invalidated by the verbal contract we made. Perhaps I was over-estimating my ability to stick to the contract. Actually, I did stick to it, but I wasn't able to at the same time reduce the level of adorations I bestowed upon you. I did not / do not love you. I certainly adored you. I felt strong in my adoration of you. I didn't feel it was threatening, cloying or restrictive upon you. But, I am not you, and you did / do feel it was so. Again, I apologize for that. My optimism extends to the thinking that if someone likes you a little and you are not a threatening figure, then, giving her consistent positive reinforcement is a great thing. Though I realize more than ever that it doesn't work this way, I do not feel I was "wrong". I am sorry you don't seem to like me or feel comfortable around me. It would be great if that changed. I do not live in hope that happening.

I can almost chuckle with mirth at the irony that it was way easier playing by your rules when I was with you & got to see you or talk to you every week, than it is since we've separated. It remains difficult to let go. Part of that is I never got a full explanation. I know why I think you stopped things, but you never stated definitively what changed and why. Ultimately, I suppose you shouldn't have to. If your feelings change then you have to act upon that change and trust the external parties will be mature enough to deal with it when properly & directly told "things for me have changed".

I still need this outlet for these feelings of mine. I'm sure we'll bump into each other around town at some point. I will be happy to see you, and sad also. But I wish you well. You made a huge positive difference in my life. That's all I can really ask for. Nothing is forever.

But a few more months would've been awesome. Ha.

Peace.

Lover's Limbo

One let me go because I liked her too much. One prefers someone she can't have so I'm becoming more of an outlet for her angst over that. She knows it's not healthy, she knows he's taken & neurotic (well, neurosis isn't unique to him, so I might've not even mentioned it, but it does play a part in all this). She knows I'm available but it seems lately my availability is merely the bucket in which she can vent her frustrations. I wasted a bit of time last night. When I wanted to leave (because she was talking to everyone but me, and honestly I'm ok with that, I just don't have to stay when that is happening) SHE gets clingy and says, "you haven't talked to me for 10 minutes!" Which nearly raised my ire, but I semi-calmly explained to her that she would come sit next to me and in less than 30 seconds would get up and fly to some part of the bar where the "action" was. It's fucked up how many times I've had this very thing happen to me in that same bar. Believe me, I'm not boring. If I was, I wouldn't complain. This isn't on me, but because (I guess) of the type person I am I get pulled along like this.

Part of me thinks there's less of a problem if I choke dead the attraction I have for her (which is quickly becoming easier). Another girl who likes to have me around but isn't terribly considerate of my feelings. I'm kind of starting to think that certain girls recognize guys with my traits (patient, available, giving, low-stress, low-drama) and they target us to be the bridge that bears their weight as they cross the river from one lover to the next. And the only reason I even give voice to this cynical thought is in each case that it's happened to me, the girl in question contacted ME first (either through mutual friends, or similar situation). Really it's uncanny, yet somehow I'm still incapable of molding all this crap into a book. Yet.

Very angsty myself, here it is Friday, a holiday weekend and I could easily consider staying in and working all weekend (both at my part-time as well as at home / online). Of course, all you have to do is invite me to a party or barbecue and I'll be there. I'll chop up a bunch of fruit and bring it. Or I'll make you & your partiers some tasty fruit smoothies (you choose the alcohol to add, it'll be great).

Essentially, I'm (almost) so used to taking hits like this I almost expect it. I'm not so used to it that it no longer hurts, which is also a positive, actually. I'm not too jaded, not too cynical, but I am too patient with these scenarios. Because I'm low-drama I perhaps don't get in the girl's face(s) for stretching the priviledge of friendship enough. I mean, bringing it up in those situations would just end up a big mess, everyone would be unhappy, high-drama. I'll take no-drama and me angsty and remove myself from the equation.

I have no problem being up-front and boldly honest to someone, particularly a girl I'm interested in. I have a backbone. I'm not interested in playing games, but it seems there's always some kind of game being played, so I guess I have to deal with that. Or remove myself from the equation.

For a full week the new girl was extremely cool and fun & I was quickly losing my angst concerning the recent girl who let me go. But just as quickly that's devolved into what I've described. The new girl wants boy-x. Boy-x is taken but not necessarily happy with it, but not really moving to do anything about it, and still spending time with new girl in capacities that could commonly be thought of as inappropriate (short of sexual relations; I don't know that has occurred, probably not, but whatever). So I'm about to remove myself from this situation. New girl is out of town until next week. Some of her last words to me last night were, "So, what are you going to do until Wednesday?" (Wednesday is when she returns). She pushed a button there. I quickly forgave her because she was drunk and had been fairly inconsiderate the entire evening, what's another misstep? I merely replied, a tad acidly, "I have a life without you."

Amazing the arc of this relationship has taken in 2 fucking weeks. Now I'm angsty over her & the one that let me go.

Girl-that-Let-Me-Go. I definitely miss her. Best kisser ever. We had some good times & she helped bring me out of a shell I'd struggled to free myself of for months / years. She's gorgeous. I still feel the euphoria remembering the times we were together and I could feel how much she was into me in those moments. She let me go. She's not so into me anymore. I did see her the other day. It was very friendly, mostly comfortable, plenty of laughter. She even invited me to go see a band she'd been procrastinating deciding to see that night. Turned out I knew the band (friends with the drummer) but I had to decline because I had to mail packages (I sell stuff online and there's a nearby post office open until midnight) and it couldn't keep another day. Probably one of the first times, if not the first I ever said "no" to her regarding anything.

Later, when I got home, feeling good about seeing her for the first time in nearly 7 weeks, it still occurred to me that part of the reason she asked me to go was to hopefully get me to drive.

Moving to Arlington improved my life in every phase except women & money (so far). It's a bit painful to be in the arms of someone you want and who wants you and then to feel it slip away and then vanish altogether. She doesn't want me anymore. What changed? I know I made mistakes with how much I told her how I felt about her. I see that. Even if they sense it and maybe know it, it seems conventional wisdom is correct in advising one to keep his mouth shut until time as such makes it obvious they're on the same level. But I wasn't trying to get married, I wasn't trying to pin her down. Still it was too much (I never said "I love you"). It feels weird feeling like you've been punished for giving someone your best (and really, I hadn't made to my best yet! I felt I was only just starting).

That is a hard mistake to live with.

Today's Playlist @ Work; May 21, 2006, CD Cellar Leesburg, VA

Today's Playlist @ Work: Sunday May 21st, CD Cellar Leesburg, VA
Super Furry Animals: Love Kraft (2005)

I have no CLUE what the hell is / has been / will be going on in Wales, but dammit, seems like all the music coming from there is wild, very weird at times and mostly wonderful. You've got the Gorky's Zygotic Mynci boys and girls (for those of you keeping score at home, it's pronounced 'GOR-keez sy-CHO-tic MON-key; not as scary as it looks, ay?), you've got Beta Band and of course Super Furries. This is pretty chill, pretty nice, begins as if to suggest they're covering Neil Young's "The Needle and the Damage Done", but no, they're on their own trip, fueled or not by drugs I'd have to guess (yes). I've read this album isn't nearly as wild, exciting or unpredictable as others, so I'll have to check the earlier stuff. I also like the vague H.P. Lovecraft reference (either that or they're trying to curry favor with the U.S. cheese manufacturer). It's a shame I don't get to fully investigate (or attempt to pay attention to) the lyrics. It'd be interesting to know what they're on about specifically. If possible. A nice listen!
Taj Mahal: Take a Giant Leap - The Best of Taj Mahal (2004)

LOVE the first track. Just him and a guitar. Kind of makes me think guys like Dave Matthews are a big fan. Surprisingly, the first track was written by the songwriting super team, Carole King & Gerry Goffin. Damn, she's got a CV of hit songs a mile long. The rest of the album touches on the various forms of blues, Louisiana being one that stands out, but it's not a great deal here that really set my mouth watering. I want to hear more like the first track and less of the more obvious blues tracks, though, really they are pleasant to the ear. But the first track is something you'd start ear-marking for your next CD compilation. I think this collection was put together for casual blues listeners, or perhaps as a "taster". I know this dude has way more stuff to offer than this. Fortunately, our stock of Mahal at the stores is pretty good. So more investigation is in order (including some reading).
Various Artists: Reggae Chartbusters (2000)

This is pretty damn good from the get-go. Chill tempo, not too-samey tracks, sort of the old very analog sounding early recording technology tracks and just all kinds of wonderfulness. Come and get it. Tracks by The Ethiopians, The Heptones, Toots & The Maytals, Desmond Dekker, Bruce Ruffin, Marcia & Bob Andy and more. Highly recommended for the chill-inclined.
John Mayall: USA Union (1970)

So this foxy woman I know plays a record and at the time I'm not really paying direct attention to the music because there's other bouts of creativity going on which command my attention, but slowly I'm lured toward the turntable as I can't quite identify the music but I feel like I know the voice of the singer. Hmmm, it's a John Mayall's Bluesbreakers album. In my life I've probably only listened to 2 or 3 of Mayall's 6, 352 *ahem* full length albums but each time I'm pretty into it. I stare at the photos of his CD covers, pretty impressed by the prowess of his goatee in each image. I can't grow that much hair anywhere on my body. I know you were wondering. Anyway, why (oh why) haven't I investigated more fully? This, my friends, readers, future possible lovers, is at least half of the reason I'm writing these reviews. Brother needs to educate himself. So next opportunity I play the only Mayall CD we currently have at this location. So I'm thinking this album is ok, extremely low key (which I take it is his trademark) and surprisingly singing about ecological / environmental issues. I don't necessarily think this is one of his better albums. I don't think I like it more than the previous stuff I've heard, but it ain't a bad place to start (though probably not the best place). Either way, this particular album would probably listen better in a more intimate, chilled setting. Not really at work. Unless you work in a bedroom.
Richie Havens: Collection (1987)

Um, this is the jam. I saw Havens perform at the Vietnam Veteran's Memorial Day Concert some years back and that was my first exposure to him. Remiss that I barely listened to him since. Just here and there. But MAN, dude can play (I've always known that) but what's the kicker for me is he does a lot of covers and really changes them a lot and makes them just as much his creation as the original artists'. I pretty much hate straight covers. There are exceptions. But about half of this album is cover tunes and they're all very different from the originals. He'll often keep much of the original vocal melody lines, but even the delivery of the lines he'll change drastically to conform to the spirit and composition of his music. I'm hip to that. I love this CD. I found myself a bit peeved that the only liner notes was a long quote from Richie (which is great, but...) but no other performance credits, like who was playing the other instruments. Was that all him? All the guitars, bass & percussion? Dude...if that's true I'll be even more impressed (I'm kinda thinking it's not, I'll have to locate some of the original albums these songs are from). He's always been an activist and his guitar skill level and song-writing style has always served that well inasmuch as the stuff I've heard. Evidently his performance at Woodstock was amazing. So I'll have to get my hands on that. This has some inspiring guitar playing (and guitar interplay) on it. I'm a fan.
The Knack: Proof - The Very Best of The Knack (1998)

Primarily known for one song and almost another similar song, I'm curious if many of the people who like "My Sharona" realize what a pretty solid power-pop band The Knack are (were?). I certainly didn't know. I think I have a few friends that know. I've always been into the 2 main hit singles and because of those wanted to buy the albums back in the dZay, but never did. Nor did I (is this like Catholic confession column or what?) ever (remember) listening to either of the two albums with the big hits. Time to remedy the sit-chee-a-shun. Of the 16 songs here, I'd say 10 of them are damn good and worth listening to. The others are slight missteps or larger ones, but since this is a "best of" and no best of ever ever ever gets that one (or two) track(s) from a band's career that completely overshadows all the other songs in the individual's taste. Like, my theory is, based on what I know about The Knack, and this compilation, there will be, on one of their several albums, at least 1 song that for whatever reason strikes me stronger than all of these. I think this is a fairly general truth. All I want is some truth. Just gimme some truth. I bet Sir Charles O. knows about The Knack's better qualities. I should ask him. Ok, I will. Until then, don't be afraid of The Knack. They're more than "My Sharona" and "Baby Talks Dirty" although it cannot be understated how DNA-alteringly catchy that (those) riff(s) is (are). Also, as a bonus, this version of "My Sharona" includes the full guitar solo and the guys are rippin' it up. For your next party, play The Knack, but try a different song.
The Scorpions: Blackout (1982)

Always dug the cover art (though not quite as much as the album w/ the rich couple in the limo and there's like 2 feet of bubble gum stretched between a woman's bare breast and a guys open hand. I would've liked to have been invited to that party). Ya'll as far as the hard rock stuff goes, this. is. my. jam. I'm pleased it still tickles me years later. I used to listen to this album several times a week (I also used to listen to U2's Boy several times a week). I'd recently started playing guitar and always fostered dreams of hard rock / heavy metal world domination

Mathias Jabs is tearing up solos all over the place and to my mind they were (and are mostly still) completely logical and belong on the songs, being both flashy and musically relevant to the individual track. And how can you not love Klaus Meine? He's just a-one of a kind he's just Meine all Meine. Oh, I'm punching clever today boys and girls. Keep up. And really, The Scorpions singing about the end of the world and the perils of cocaine. That's sweet, gimme a biscuit. The rhythm guitar rocks as well and there's just nothing bad I can say about this album. It's fun, it's metal, it's oh-so-sensitive just to let you know it can be, then it rocks your socks again. Hello America! We are The Scorpions! We're here to rock you like a...oh, wait, that's a later album. Stay tuned for the sequel.

I'm glad to know ya. Come by the store and clue me in to your fave rekkids. Buy some new ones. That's what we do.

CD Cellar
Falls Church, VA
Arlington, VA
Leesburg, VA

Whose Loss?

Lately I've been struggling with wanting her intensely. She wants to be just friends. I'm trying to be ok with that because, frankly, it doesn't help my cause not to be. There are problems with this stage of our "just friends era": she's very busy. Legitimately busy. A career-oriented job, career-advancing training, her social life, the normal things we all do when we're not at work, responsibilities, chilling out, hanging with our various groups of friends. All that is fine, but since we became just friends I fell out of the above list. Since then there hasn't been much time for me.

Perhaps part of that is also her own need to make the transition, though I'm guessing it must be easier for her because it was her decision. We haven't even talked on the phone in 3 weeks. I've called a few times, gotten the voicemail. Messages were always returned but only as text messages or eMails. She hasn't called me. Yet in a recent eMail her last sentence was, "call me sometime if you want and I'll do the same". I called. Voicemail. She replied a few days later in eMail apologizing, but she'd been under the gun w/ finding a new housemate.

So I recieved another eMail Friday and I think it's been bugging me since. She went out of town (I knew this, she told me she was going out of town). She got back on a Tuesday. I knew this because she told me in the Friday eMail. So, again, she's in contact but 3 days after returning from a trip and in an eMail. Does that mean she doesn't really want to call?

It's a tremendous drag because I really like this girl. During the time I was seeing her or we were hanging together, however you want to put it, I felt so fucking good most of the time. I felt I could really do great things, even if I was just at work processing stock. In my head I was charged with energy toward finding some new way to be good to her, hang with her, kiss her, make her laugh, go places with her. And much of the time it seemed like she was into me as well, though twice she took me aside making sure that I realized she was not looking for a serious relationship. I felt ok with that but I think my style of being with someone facilitates them thinking that I'm actively building a serious thing. I wasn't, not actively, which was a surprise to even me, but I was ok with how we were, with perhaps a few adjustments which I never brought up to her.

She's so great. If you know her, you probably know this. I'm not saying I think she's perfect. I'm not saying she's "the one". I'm not saying I can't live without her. I am saying that being with her and being near her helps propel me toward doing the things to better myself on all levels. And when you both know and are attracted to someone like that, you know you've got a winner.

So the flip-side of my dilemma is, if I CAN'T manage to tone down my desire for her that easily and the want of being with her makes it seem then she's in the right for ending the physical / intimacy side of the relationship. The snag for me, as stated before (perhaps not clearly) is how can we really be friends when there's even less time for me than before (when we were hanging out I'd see her once or twice a week, and only gotten to spend an entire day with her once in the 4 months I've known her)? How can we really be friends if she doesn't call and take initiative to invite me somewhere or to do something? I'm available. You know I'll call if you want me to. I'm not about playing games, that takes up precious time that could be used enjoying each other's company with few pretenses. Romantic mystery is still an option even when you know how much someone likes you. I've been going out frequently, hanging with friends, enjoying their company, doing my own thing and will continue to do so. But half of the time when I'm out having fun I still lack the full-on joy. When I'm with her I feel joy. It almost feels like a punishment not being with her. Most of what I want is to be good to her. I don't really ask for to much. Of course the first thing I'd ask for if I could would be more time. So I'm stuck.

I guess I DO ultimately want something serious, but I wasn't imposing it on her and I wasn't honestly actively trying to get her into something serious. I definitely am/was serious about being as good to her (socially, physically, emotionally) as I could be and I felt at that I was steadily improving. I told her point blank (twice, actually) if she met someone else and liked them / wanted to spend more time with them, I deal with it.

But here I am, not fully successfully dealing with her not being with me. I have no idea if in the 3 weeks since we've last been together if she's seen anyone / seeing anyone on a dating level. I suppose at this point she doesn't have to tell me if she is. I'm not sure if knowing would make my recovery any easier. I'm actually open to my seeing someone too, but I'm not actively looking and even when I have met someone, so far it's been a nice conversation and a spark of physical desire on my end but not that extra something I found in this girl.

This is all a bit one-sided. I promise you I'm not an obsessive threat to her or anyone. I'm basically looking for a way to adjust my understanding so I can deal and move forward more quickly than I seem able at this point. I know I can be her friend, but my desire for her is tremendous and I know she doesn't want that so I have to find my way through that. On her end I think it'd be fair if she took more of an initiative to invite me over, invite me out to a social something (museum, film, whatever, y'know, what friends do) or to dinner as a friend or something that lets me know she really does want to be friends and wants to do things with me not just when I ask. I'd like her to share more, as friends do. I see the fine line there between what I state and what seems to be a slight for me being led into thinking she wants to resume intimacy or physicality. There is that "hazard" and I imagine I'd be right in my own crosshairs in that one, but I think it's the same "hazard" all people deal with whether there's stated attraction or not.


I want to be effortless, at least in appearance, when dealing with this and be able to be with her and laugh, joke and bond as easily as we did without my desire cropping up and making itself a nuisance. I think I can be her friend without the physical aspect. I know I'll want the physical aspect, but I've survived that scenario with a girl dozens of times before I met her. What I need to do is to show her I can be her friend without the physicality so she can feel comfortable about hanging out with me and not having to stress about whether I'll start trying to / asking her if we could "go back to like it used to be." That is one of my main challenges right now. I'm up for it, despite my intense desire. But at this point I still believe she has to make the next move and call. I've called. I've invited her to things recently. She's got to meet me half-way and then trust me that we can move forward together. I've got to earn & keep that trust, yes, but I also have to first be given a chance to do so. If I keep calling and asking her to do stuff, even though she said to call, then that's not going to work.

I don't think she's playing me or stringing me along. Again, she's been legitimately busy. She has so much going on in her life right now (and probably before she & I met). I've just fallen from getting to be with her once a week and talking to her several times a week to not seeing her for 3 weeks and only receiving answers to my calls / messages via eMail. That's a long way to fall. I have to tell you I do feel some of the blame is with me. I was too vocal about my attraction to her. Even though we weren't in love and I knew she wasn't interested in being serious, I felt telling her these things empowered me (I felt good about her, I wanted to share that and it made me want to share a lot of myself with everyone) and it's easy for me to want to give back to someone who is making me feel kingly.

Kingly.

I remember once it was late and she had to work early and I'd already stayed too late for her to get her usual needed amount of sleep. We were holding each other and talking quietly. I said it was time for me to go and she smiled, shook her head, held me tighter and said, "ten more minutes."

Kissing. One night she was driving me mad because, for whatever reason, her lips were noticeably softer than before (and I notice stuff all the time; her lips are soft to begin) and I just could not get enough of kissing her. She is the best kiss I've ever had. I can't tell you how much I miss that. I suppose I am telling you exactly how much I miss that.

There so many details left out of this. What's here doesn't actually paint me in a great light. I seem like a jilted, selfish, immature boy, despite the praise I give her. You probably couldn't stand to hear me whine about it, talking in circles about how great things were but how grey they are now. Why can't I just be a man and find someone else? It's the independent ones they are more attracted to anyway. I sound like my obsession is the very kind (and at the very level) that anyone, man or woman, would abhor in having to deal with in someone that was attracted to them. I promise you, it's not. The last thing I want to do is show her this weakness. She knows how I feel about her, that's never been a secret and if I had to do it over again, I wouldn't keep it a secret then either, though I'd try much harder to moderate it's frequency of divulging. I want to be strong for myself so that she trusts I can handle something difficult (and abstract) like this. So she feels more comfortable about hanging with me. I've said that before. Circles. I do want things from her. Up to now I haven't asked for much. I think several of the things I want I deserve as any friend would.

Regardless of all that, what's ultimately most important to me is that I get right with myself. I lost a bit of my mojo 3 weeks ago, I still have plenty. I need to keep channeling what I have into bigger and more positive things for myself. Just like I would / should had I never met her.

But I have to tell you (again), being with her is a major mojo boost. Major.

I do miss you. But I feel you should consider me more than it seems you sometimes do.