Lover's Limbo
One let me go because I liked her too much. One prefers someone she can't have so I'm becoming more of an outlet for her angst over that. She knows it's not healthy, she knows he's taken & neurotic (well, neurosis isn't unique to him, so I might've not even mentioned it, but it does play a part in all this). She knows I'm available but it seems lately my availability is merely the bucket in which she can vent her frustrations. I wasted a bit of time last night. When I wanted to leave (because she was talking to everyone but me, and honestly I'm ok with that, I just don't have to stay when that is happening) SHE gets clingy and says, "you haven't talked to me for 10 minutes!" Which nearly raised my ire, but I semi-calmly explained to her that she would come sit next to me and in less than 30 seconds would get up and fly to some part of the bar where the "action" was. It's fucked up how many times I've had this very thing happen to me in that same bar. Believe me, I'm not boring. If I was, I wouldn't complain. This isn't on me, but because (I guess) of the type person I am I get pulled along like this.
Part of me thinks there's less of a problem if I choke dead the attraction I have for her (which is quickly becoming easier). Another girl who likes to have me around but isn't terribly considerate of my feelings. I'm kind of starting to think that certain girls recognize guys with my traits (patient, available, giving, low-stress, low-drama) and they target us to be the bridge that bears their weight as they cross the river from one lover to the next. And the only reason I even give voice to this cynical thought is in each case that it's happened to me, the girl in question contacted ME first (either through mutual friends, or similar situation). Really it's uncanny, yet somehow I'm still incapable of molding all this crap into a book. Yet.
Very angsty myself, here it is Friday, a holiday weekend and I could easily consider staying in and working all weekend (both at my part-time as well as at home / online). Of course, all you have to do is invite me to a party or barbecue and I'll be there. I'll chop up a bunch of fruit and bring it. Or I'll make you & your partiers some tasty fruit smoothies (you choose the alcohol to add, it'll be great).
Essentially, I'm (almost) so used to taking hits like this I almost expect it. I'm not so used to it that it no longer hurts, which is also a positive, actually. I'm not too jaded, not too cynical, but I am too patient with these scenarios. Because I'm low-drama I perhaps don't get in the girl's face(s) for stretching the priviledge of friendship enough. I mean, bringing it up in those situations would just end up a big mess, everyone would be unhappy, high-drama. I'll take no-drama and me angsty and remove myself from the equation.
I have no problem being up-front and boldly honest to someone, particularly a girl I'm interested in. I have a backbone. I'm not interested in playing games, but it seems there's always some kind of game being played, so I guess I have to deal with that. Or remove myself from the equation.
For a full week the new girl was extremely cool and fun & I was quickly losing my angst concerning the recent girl who let me go. But just as quickly that's devolved into what I've described. The new girl wants boy-x. Boy-x is taken but not necessarily happy with it, but not really moving to do anything about it, and still spending time with new girl in capacities that could commonly be thought of as inappropriate (short of sexual relations; I don't know that has occurred, probably not, but whatever). So I'm about to remove myself from this situation. New girl is out of town until next week. Some of her last words to me last night were, "So, what are you going to do until Wednesday?" (Wednesday is when she returns). She pushed a button there. I quickly forgave her because she was drunk and had been fairly inconsiderate the entire evening, what's another misstep? I merely replied, a tad acidly, "I have a life without you."
Amazing the arc of this relationship has taken in 2 fucking weeks. Now I'm angsty over her & the one that let me go.
Girl-that-Let-Me-Go. I definitely miss her. Best kisser ever. We had some good times & she helped bring me out of a shell I'd struggled to free myself of for months / years. She's gorgeous. I still feel the euphoria remembering the times we were together and I could feel how much she was into me in those moments. She let me go. She's not so into me anymore. I did see her the other day. It was very friendly, mostly comfortable, plenty of laughter. She even invited me to go see a band she'd been procrastinating deciding to see that night. Turned out I knew the band (friends with the drummer) but I had to decline because I had to mail packages (I sell stuff online and there's a nearby post office open until midnight) and it couldn't keep another day. Probably one of the first times, if not the first I ever said "no" to her regarding anything.
Later, when I got home, feeling good about seeing her for the first time in nearly 7 weeks, it still occurred to me that part of the reason she asked me to go was to hopefully get me to drive.
Moving to Arlington improved my life in every phase except women & money (so far). It's a bit painful to be in the arms of someone you want and who wants you and then to feel it slip away and then vanish altogether. She doesn't want me anymore. What changed? I know I made mistakes with how much I told her how I felt about her. I see that. Even if they sense it and maybe know it, it seems conventional wisdom is correct in advising one to keep his mouth shut until time as such makes it obvious they're on the same level. But I wasn't trying to get married, I wasn't trying to pin her down. Still it was too much (I never said "I love you"). It feels weird feeling like you've been punished for giving someone your best (and really, I hadn't made to my best yet! I felt I was only just starting).
That is a hard mistake to live with.
Part of me thinks there's less of a problem if I choke dead the attraction I have for her (which is quickly becoming easier). Another girl who likes to have me around but isn't terribly considerate of my feelings. I'm kind of starting to think that certain girls recognize guys with my traits (patient, available, giving, low-stress, low-drama) and they target us to be the bridge that bears their weight as they cross the river from one lover to the next. And the only reason I even give voice to this cynical thought is in each case that it's happened to me, the girl in question contacted ME first (either through mutual friends, or similar situation). Really it's uncanny, yet somehow I'm still incapable of molding all this crap into a book. Yet.
Very angsty myself, here it is Friday, a holiday weekend and I could easily consider staying in and working all weekend (both at my part-time as well as at home / online). Of course, all you have to do is invite me to a party or barbecue and I'll be there. I'll chop up a bunch of fruit and bring it. Or I'll make you & your partiers some tasty fruit smoothies (you choose the alcohol to add, it'll be great).
Essentially, I'm (almost) so used to taking hits like this I almost expect it. I'm not so used to it that it no longer hurts, which is also a positive, actually. I'm not too jaded, not too cynical, but I am too patient with these scenarios. Because I'm low-drama I perhaps don't get in the girl's face(s) for stretching the priviledge of friendship enough. I mean, bringing it up in those situations would just end up a big mess, everyone would be unhappy, high-drama. I'll take no-drama and me angsty and remove myself from the equation.
I have no problem being up-front and boldly honest to someone, particularly a girl I'm interested in. I have a backbone. I'm not interested in playing games, but it seems there's always some kind of game being played, so I guess I have to deal with that. Or remove myself from the equation.
For a full week the new girl was extremely cool and fun & I was quickly losing my angst concerning the recent girl who let me go. But just as quickly that's devolved into what I've described. The new girl wants boy-x. Boy-x is taken but not necessarily happy with it, but not really moving to do anything about it, and still spending time with new girl in capacities that could commonly be thought of as inappropriate (short of sexual relations; I don't know that has occurred, probably not, but whatever). So I'm about to remove myself from this situation. New girl is out of town until next week. Some of her last words to me last night were, "So, what are you going to do until Wednesday?" (Wednesday is when she returns). She pushed a button there. I quickly forgave her because she was drunk and had been fairly inconsiderate the entire evening, what's another misstep? I merely replied, a tad acidly, "I have a life without you."
Amazing the arc of this relationship has taken in 2 fucking weeks. Now I'm angsty over her & the one that let me go.
Girl-that-Let-Me-Go. I definitely miss her. Best kisser ever. We had some good times & she helped bring me out of a shell I'd struggled to free myself of for months / years. She's gorgeous. I still feel the euphoria remembering the times we were together and I could feel how much she was into me in those moments. She let me go. She's not so into me anymore. I did see her the other day. It was very friendly, mostly comfortable, plenty of laughter. She even invited me to go see a band she'd been procrastinating deciding to see that night. Turned out I knew the band (friends with the drummer) but I had to decline because I had to mail packages (I sell stuff online and there's a nearby post office open until midnight) and it couldn't keep another day. Probably one of the first times, if not the first I ever said "no" to her regarding anything.
Later, when I got home, feeling good about seeing her for the first time in nearly 7 weeks, it still occurred to me that part of the reason she asked me to go was to hopefully get me to drive.
Moving to Arlington improved my life in every phase except women & money (so far). It's a bit painful to be in the arms of someone you want and who wants you and then to feel it slip away and then vanish altogether. She doesn't want me anymore. What changed? I know I made mistakes with how much I told her how I felt about her. I see that. Even if they sense it and maybe know it, it seems conventional wisdom is correct in advising one to keep his mouth shut until time as such makes it obvious they're on the same level. But I wasn't trying to get married, I wasn't trying to pin her down. Still it was too much (I never said "I love you"). It feels weird feeling like you've been punished for giving someone your best (and really, I hadn't made to my best yet! I felt I was only just starting).
That is a hard mistake to live with.
posted by Afterlife at 1:45 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home