Bending, bending: will the bow break?
I'm moving forward. My enthusiasm is a bit unenthusiastic. When I see the things you've done, the places you've gone, the time you've had without me, it all begins to hurt again. Fortunately for me, it's not enough to stop me. This is, after all a new me. A me, you actually had a significant contribution in turning around. The old me would be in deep crumble mode. I go out. I have fun. I have full belly laughs. I wake up laughing and feel wonderful. I interact with people and feel it's more than just a pleasant passing of time. I go out and do my own things without you. I have no idea how this makes you feel or if you think about it much at all.
After all, if you did miss it, wouldn't you have called me by now? I do not live in hope that you will call me. I do not think you will suddenly invite me somewhere to be with you in any capacity. I'm amazed that you've been able to break it off so completely. I guess in that I've had so little experience with relationships, I've also not had much experience being the one who is let go.
I so miss you. And I suppose for a long time I will continue to miss you. The better my life gets, perhaps the more I will miss you because the more I will wish you could be there with me to share it. I do not want this to happen. This would be an all new level of clinging and living in the past for me. I do not want that.
I wonder how much denial I'm under. I feel everything I told you about how I was ok with your terms is true. I didn't like certain aspects, I felt you fairly disrespected me, yet it was ultimately a verbal contract to which I agreed. I did tell you that any time you wanted to spend with me is time I wanted to be with you. I did tell you if there was someone else you wanted to be with, then I'd deal with it. I suppose, technically that also means if there's no one you want to be with, I have to accept that too. Of course I have to accept it. I have no real bargaining position unless you like me.
It seems you stopped liking me, even as friends. We aren't friends. We don't share. The only time I've gotten to see you in the last 2 months was due to convenience and it wasn't mine. You wore your red hat. I so like you in that hat. That is redundant. There are actually things I don't like about you. Believe it or not. I never thought you were perfect. I know in my intensity you felt uncomfortable, but at times I still wonder if I was able to tone it down to levels you were comfortable with if things would've been much better. Maybe we would've lasted longer, but I wonder if you could still do the things you want to do with me around. I promise you I never sought to monopolize you. Despite how it might've seemed our relationship was headed, I was on no schedule, no ultimage goal or agenda except to spend time with you and be good to you. Make you laugh, make you feel good, continue to having those great conversations we'd have on a weekly basis. Do you miss that at all? You're a gorgeous girl. You have more options and surely there is someone always available to try and do these things for you.
I've thanked you for boosting my life so significantly in such a short time. At the same time I never saw you as my "savior". I did not / do not worship you. I merely feel great about you. I derived a lot of positive energy just knowing I could see you once a week. I wanted more, but I never complained when it didn't happen. I never really complained about anything, though I had my complaints. I realized, even early on, that all of my complaints were fairly invalidated by the verbal contract we made. Perhaps I was over-estimating my ability to stick to the contract. Actually, I did stick to it, but I wasn't able to at the same time reduce the level of adorations I bestowed upon you. I did not / do not love you. I certainly adored you. I felt strong in my adoration of you. I didn't feel it was threatening, cloying or restrictive upon you. But, I am not you, and you did / do feel it was so. Again, I apologize for that. My optimism extends to the thinking that if someone likes you a little and you are not a threatening figure, then, giving her consistent positive reinforcement is a great thing. Though I realize more than ever that it doesn't work this way, I do not feel I was "wrong". I am sorry you don't seem to like me or feel comfortable around me. It would be great if that changed. I do not live in hope that happening.
I can almost chuckle with mirth at the irony that it was way easier playing by your rules when I was with you & got to see you or talk to you every week, than it is since we've separated. It remains difficult to let go. Part of that is I never got a full explanation. I know why I think you stopped things, but you never stated definitively what changed and why. Ultimately, I suppose you shouldn't have to. If your feelings change then you have to act upon that change and trust the external parties will be mature enough to deal with it when properly & directly told "things for me have changed".
I still need this outlet for these feelings of mine. I'm sure we'll bump into each other around town at some point. I will be happy to see you, and sad also. But I wish you well. You made a huge positive difference in my life. That's all I can really ask for. Nothing is forever.
But a few more months would've been awesome. Ha.
Peace.
After all, if you did miss it, wouldn't you have called me by now? I do not live in hope that you will call me. I do not think you will suddenly invite me somewhere to be with you in any capacity. I'm amazed that you've been able to break it off so completely. I guess in that I've had so little experience with relationships, I've also not had much experience being the one who is let go.
I so miss you. And I suppose for a long time I will continue to miss you. The better my life gets, perhaps the more I will miss you because the more I will wish you could be there with me to share it. I do not want this to happen. This would be an all new level of clinging and living in the past for me. I do not want that.
I wonder how much denial I'm under. I feel everything I told you about how I was ok with your terms is true. I didn't like certain aspects, I felt you fairly disrespected me, yet it was ultimately a verbal contract to which I agreed. I did tell you that any time you wanted to spend with me is time I wanted to be with you. I did tell you if there was someone else you wanted to be with, then I'd deal with it. I suppose, technically that also means if there's no one you want to be with, I have to accept that too. Of course I have to accept it. I have no real bargaining position unless you like me.
It seems you stopped liking me, even as friends. We aren't friends. We don't share. The only time I've gotten to see you in the last 2 months was due to convenience and it wasn't mine. You wore your red hat. I so like you in that hat. That is redundant. There are actually things I don't like about you. Believe it or not. I never thought you were perfect. I know in my intensity you felt uncomfortable, but at times I still wonder if I was able to tone it down to levels you were comfortable with if things would've been much better. Maybe we would've lasted longer, but I wonder if you could still do the things you want to do with me around. I promise you I never sought to monopolize you. Despite how it might've seemed our relationship was headed, I was on no schedule, no ultimage goal or agenda except to spend time with you and be good to you. Make you laugh, make you feel good, continue to having those great conversations we'd have on a weekly basis. Do you miss that at all? You're a gorgeous girl. You have more options and surely there is someone always available to try and do these things for you.
I've thanked you for boosting my life so significantly in such a short time. At the same time I never saw you as my "savior". I did not / do not worship you. I merely feel great about you. I derived a lot of positive energy just knowing I could see you once a week. I wanted more, but I never complained when it didn't happen. I never really complained about anything, though I had my complaints. I realized, even early on, that all of my complaints were fairly invalidated by the verbal contract we made. Perhaps I was over-estimating my ability to stick to the contract. Actually, I did stick to it, but I wasn't able to at the same time reduce the level of adorations I bestowed upon you. I did not / do not love you. I certainly adored you. I felt strong in my adoration of you. I didn't feel it was threatening, cloying or restrictive upon you. But, I am not you, and you did / do feel it was so. Again, I apologize for that. My optimism extends to the thinking that if someone likes you a little and you are not a threatening figure, then, giving her consistent positive reinforcement is a great thing. Though I realize more than ever that it doesn't work this way, I do not feel I was "wrong". I am sorry you don't seem to like me or feel comfortable around me. It would be great if that changed. I do not live in hope that happening.
I can almost chuckle with mirth at the irony that it was way easier playing by your rules when I was with you & got to see you or talk to you every week, than it is since we've separated. It remains difficult to let go. Part of that is I never got a full explanation. I know why I think you stopped things, but you never stated definitively what changed and why. Ultimately, I suppose you shouldn't have to. If your feelings change then you have to act upon that change and trust the external parties will be mature enough to deal with it when properly & directly told "things for me have changed".
I still need this outlet for these feelings of mine. I'm sure we'll bump into each other around town at some point. I will be happy to see you, and sad also. But I wish you well. You made a huge positive difference in my life. That's all I can really ask for. Nothing is forever.
But a few more months would've been awesome. Ha.
Peace.
posted by Afterlife at 10:53 PM
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