Bending, bending: will the bow break?

I'm moving forward. My enthusiasm is a bit unenthusiastic. When I see the things you've done, the places you've gone, the time you've had without me, it all begins to hurt again. Fortunately for me, it's not enough to stop me. This is, after all a new me. A me, you actually had a significant contribution in turning around. The old me would be in deep crumble mode. I go out. I have fun. I have full belly laughs. I wake up laughing and feel wonderful. I interact with people and feel it's more than just a pleasant passing of time. I go out and do my own things without you. I have no idea how this makes you feel or if you think about it much at all.

After all, if you did miss it, wouldn't you have called me by now? I do not live in hope that you will call me. I do not think you will suddenly invite me somewhere to be with you in any capacity. I'm amazed that you've been able to break it off so completely. I guess in that I've had so little experience with relationships, I've also not had much experience being the one who is let go.

I so miss you. And I suppose for a long time I will continue to miss you. The better my life gets, perhaps the more I will miss you because the more I will wish you could be there with me to share it. I do not want this to happen. This would be an all new level of clinging and living in the past for me. I do not want that.

I wonder how much denial I'm under. I feel everything I told you about how I was ok with your terms is true. I didn't like certain aspects, I felt you fairly disrespected me, yet it was ultimately a verbal contract to which I agreed. I did tell you that any time you wanted to spend with me is time I wanted to be with you. I did tell you if there was someone else you wanted to be with, then I'd deal with it. I suppose, technically that also means if there's no one you want to be with, I have to accept that too. Of course I have to accept it. I have no real bargaining position unless you like me.

It seems you stopped liking me, even as friends. We aren't friends. We don't share. The only time I've gotten to see you in the last 2 months was due to convenience and it wasn't mine. You wore your red hat. I so like you in that hat. That is redundant. There are actually things I don't like about you. Believe it or not. I never thought you were perfect. I know in my intensity you felt uncomfortable, but at times I still wonder if I was able to tone it down to levels you were comfortable with if things would've been much better. Maybe we would've lasted longer, but I wonder if you could still do the things you want to do with me around. I promise you I never sought to monopolize you. Despite how it might've seemed our relationship was headed, I was on no schedule, no ultimage goal or agenda except to spend time with you and be good to you. Make you laugh, make you feel good, continue to having those great conversations we'd have on a weekly basis. Do you miss that at all? You're a gorgeous girl. You have more options and surely there is someone always available to try and do these things for you.

I've thanked you for boosting my life so significantly in such a short time. At the same time I never saw you as my "savior". I did not / do not worship you. I merely feel great about you. I derived a lot of positive energy just knowing I could see you once a week. I wanted more, but I never complained when it didn't happen. I never really complained about anything, though I had my complaints. I realized, even early on, that all of my complaints were fairly invalidated by the verbal contract we made. Perhaps I was over-estimating my ability to stick to the contract. Actually, I did stick to it, but I wasn't able to at the same time reduce the level of adorations I bestowed upon you. I did not / do not love you. I certainly adored you. I felt strong in my adoration of you. I didn't feel it was threatening, cloying or restrictive upon you. But, I am not you, and you did / do feel it was so. Again, I apologize for that. My optimism extends to the thinking that if someone likes you a little and you are not a threatening figure, then, giving her consistent positive reinforcement is a great thing. Though I realize more than ever that it doesn't work this way, I do not feel I was "wrong". I am sorry you don't seem to like me or feel comfortable around me. It would be great if that changed. I do not live in hope that happening.

I can almost chuckle with mirth at the irony that it was way easier playing by your rules when I was with you & got to see you or talk to you every week, than it is since we've separated. It remains difficult to let go. Part of that is I never got a full explanation. I know why I think you stopped things, but you never stated definitively what changed and why. Ultimately, I suppose you shouldn't have to. If your feelings change then you have to act upon that change and trust the external parties will be mature enough to deal with it when properly & directly told "things for me have changed".

I still need this outlet for these feelings of mine. I'm sure we'll bump into each other around town at some point. I will be happy to see you, and sad also. But I wish you well. You made a huge positive difference in my life. That's all I can really ask for. Nothing is forever.

But a few more months would've been awesome. Ha.

Peace.

Lover's Limbo

One let me go because I liked her too much. One prefers someone she can't have so I'm becoming more of an outlet for her angst over that. She knows it's not healthy, she knows he's taken & neurotic (well, neurosis isn't unique to him, so I might've not even mentioned it, but it does play a part in all this). She knows I'm available but it seems lately my availability is merely the bucket in which she can vent her frustrations. I wasted a bit of time last night. When I wanted to leave (because she was talking to everyone but me, and honestly I'm ok with that, I just don't have to stay when that is happening) SHE gets clingy and says, "you haven't talked to me for 10 minutes!" Which nearly raised my ire, but I semi-calmly explained to her that she would come sit next to me and in less than 30 seconds would get up and fly to some part of the bar where the "action" was. It's fucked up how many times I've had this very thing happen to me in that same bar. Believe me, I'm not boring. If I was, I wouldn't complain. This isn't on me, but because (I guess) of the type person I am I get pulled along like this.

Part of me thinks there's less of a problem if I choke dead the attraction I have for her (which is quickly becoming easier). Another girl who likes to have me around but isn't terribly considerate of my feelings. I'm kind of starting to think that certain girls recognize guys with my traits (patient, available, giving, low-stress, low-drama) and they target us to be the bridge that bears their weight as they cross the river from one lover to the next. And the only reason I even give voice to this cynical thought is in each case that it's happened to me, the girl in question contacted ME first (either through mutual friends, or similar situation). Really it's uncanny, yet somehow I'm still incapable of molding all this crap into a book. Yet.

Very angsty myself, here it is Friday, a holiday weekend and I could easily consider staying in and working all weekend (both at my part-time as well as at home / online). Of course, all you have to do is invite me to a party or barbecue and I'll be there. I'll chop up a bunch of fruit and bring it. Or I'll make you & your partiers some tasty fruit smoothies (you choose the alcohol to add, it'll be great).

Essentially, I'm (almost) so used to taking hits like this I almost expect it. I'm not so used to it that it no longer hurts, which is also a positive, actually. I'm not too jaded, not too cynical, but I am too patient with these scenarios. Because I'm low-drama I perhaps don't get in the girl's face(s) for stretching the priviledge of friendship enough. I mean, bringing it up in those situations would just end up a big mess, everyone would be unhappy, high-drama. I'll take no-drama and me angsty and remove myself from the equation.

I have no problem being up-front and boldly honest to someone, particularly a girl I'm interested in. I have a backbone. I'm not interested in playing games, but it seems there's always some kind of game being played, so I guess I have to deal with that. Or remove myself from the equation.

For a full week the new girl was extremely cool and fun & I was quickly losing my angst concerning the recent girl who let me go. But just as quickly that's devolved into what I've described. The new girl wants boy-x. Boy-x is taken but not necessarily happy with it, but not really moving to do anything about it, and still spending time with new girl in capacities that could commonly be thought of as inappropriate (short of sexual relations; I don't know that has occurred, probably not, but whatever). So I'm about to remove myself from this situation. New girl is out of town until next week. Some of her last words to me last night were, "So, what are you going to do until Wednesday?" (Wednesday is when she returns). She pushed a button there. I quickly forgave her because she was drunk and had been fairly inconsiderate the entire evening, what's another misstep? I merely replied, a tad acidly, "I have a life without you."

Amazing the arc of this relationship has taken in 2 fucking weeks. Now I'm angsty over her & the one that let me go.

Girl-that-Let-Me-Go. I definitely miss her. Best kisser ever. We had some good times & she helped bring me out of a shell I'd struggled to free myself of for months / years. She's gorgeous. I still feel the euphoria remembering the times we were together and I could feel how much she was into me in those moments. She let me go. She's not so into me anymore. I did see her the other day. It was very friendly, mostly comfortable, plenty of laughter. She even invited me to go see a band she'd been procrastinating deciding to see that night. Turned out I knew the band (friends with the drummer) but I had to decline because I had to mail packages (I sell stuff online and there's a nearby post office open until midnight) and it couldn't keep another day. Probably one of the first times, if not the first I ever said "no" to her regarding anything.

Later, when I got home, feeling good about seeing her for the first time in nearly 7 weeks, it still occurred to me that part of the reason she asked me to go was to hopefully get me to drive.

Moving to Arlington improved my life in every phase except women & money (so far). It's a bit painful to be in the arms of someone you want and who wants you and then to feel it slip away and then vanish altogether. She doesn't want me anymore. What changed? I know I made mistakes with how much I told her how I felt about her. I see that. Even if they sense it and maybe know it, it seems conventional wisdom is correct in advising one to keep his mouth shut until time as such makes it obvious they're on the same level. But I wasn't trying to get married, I wasn't trying to pin her down. Still it was too much (I never said "I love you"). It feels weird feeling like you've been punished for giving someone your best (and really, I hadn't made to my best yet! I felt I was only just starting).

That is a hard mistake to live with.

Today's Playlist @ Work; May 21, 2006, CD Cellar Leesburg, VA

Today's Playlist @ Work: Sunday May 21st, CD Cellar Leesburg, VA
Super Furry Animals: Love Kraft (2005)

I have no CLUE what the hell is / has been / will be going on in Wales, but dammit, seems like all the music coming from there is wild, very weird at times and mostly wonderful. You've got the Gorky's Zygotic Mynci boys and girls (for those of you keeping score at home, it's pronounced 'GOR-keez sy-CHO-tic MON-key; not as scary as it looks, ay?), you've got Beta Band and of course Super Furries. This is pretty chill, pretty nice, begins as if to suggest they're covering Neil Young's "The Needle and the Damage Done", but no, they're on their own trip, fueled or not by drugs I'd have to guess (yes). I've read this album isn't nearly as wild, exciting or unpredictable as others, so I'll have to check the earlier stuff. I also like the vague H.P. Lovecraft reference (either that or they're trying to curry favor with the U.S. cheese manufacturer). It's a shame I don't get to fully investigate (or attempt to pay attention to) the lyrics. It'd be interesting to know what they're on about specifically. If possible. A nice listen!
Taj Mahal: Take a Giant Leap - The Best of Taj Mahal (2004)

LOVE the first track. Just him and a guitar. Kind of makes me think guys like Dave Matthews are a big fan. Surprisingly, the first track was written by the songwriting super team, Carole King & Gerry Goffin. Damn, she's got a CV of hit songs a mile long. The rest of the album touches on the various forms of blues, Louisiana being one that stands out, but it's not a great deal here that really set my mouth watering. I want to hear more like the first track and less of the more obvious blues tracks, though, really they are pleasant to the ear. But the first track is something you'd start ear-marking for your next CD compilation. I think this collection was put together for casual blues listeners, or perhaps as a "taster". I know this dude has way more stuff to offer than this. Fortunately, our stock of Mahal at the stores is pretty good. So more investigation is in order (including some reading).
Various Artists: Reggae Chartbusters (2000)

This is pretty damn good from the get-go. Chill tempo, not too-samey tracks, sort of the old very analog sounding early recording technology tracks and just all kinds of wonderfulness. Come and get it. Tracks by The Ethiopians, The Heptones, Toots & The Maytals, Desmond Dekker, Bruce Ruffin, Marcia & Bob Andy and more. Highly recommended for the chill-inclined.
John Mayall: USA Union (1970)

So this foxy woman I know plays a record and at the time I'm not really paying direct attention to the music because there's other bouts of creativity going on which command my attention, but slowly I'm lured toward the turntable as I can't quite identify the music but I feel like I know the voice of the singer. Hmmm, it's a John Mayall's Bluesbreakers album. In my life I've probably only listened to 2 or 3 of Mayall's 6, 352 *ahem* full length albums but each time I'm pretty into it. I stare at the photos of his CD covers, pretty impressed by the prowess of his goatee in each image. I can't grow that much hair anywhere on my body. I know you were wondering. Anyway, why (oh why) haven't I investigated more fully? This, my friends, readers, future possible lovers, is at least half of the reason I'm writing these reviews. Brother needs to educate himself. So next opportunity I play the only Mayall CD we currently have at this location. So I'm thinking this album is ok, extremely low key (which I take it is his trademark) and surprisingly singing about ecological / environmental issues. I don't necessarily think this is one of his better albums. I don't think I like it more than the previous stuff I've heard, but it ain't a bad place to start (though probably not the best place). Either way, this particular album would probably listen better in a more intimate, chilled setting. Not really at work. Unless you work in a bedroom.
Richie Havens: Collection (1987)

Um, this is the jam. I saw Havens perform at the Vietnam Veteran's Memorial Day Concert some years back and that was my first exposure to him. Remiss that I barely listened to him since. Just here and there. But MAN, dude can play (I've always known that) but what's the kicker for me is he does a lot of covers and really changes them a lot and makes them just as much his creation as the original artists'. I pretty much hate straight covers. There are exceptions. But about half of this album is cover tunes and they're all very different from the originals. He'll often keep much of the original vocal melody lines, but even the delivery of the lines he'll change drastically to conform to the spirit and composition of his music. I'm hip to that. I love this CD. I found myself a bit peeved that the only liner notes was a long quote from Richie (which is great, but...) but no other performance credits, like who was playing the other instruments. Was that all him? All the guitars, bass & percussion? Dude...if that's true I'll be even more impressed (I'm kinda thinking it's not, I'll have to locate some of the original albums these songs are from). He's always been an activist and his guitar skill level and song-writing style has always served that well inasmuch as the stuff I've heard. Evidently his performance at Woodstock was amazing. So I'll have to get my hands on that. This has some inspiring guitar playing (and guitar interplay) on it. I'm a fan.
The Knack: Proof - The Very Best of The Knack (1998)

Primarily known for one song and almost another similar song, I'm curious if many of the people who like "My Sharona" realize what a pretty solid power-pop band The Knack are (were?). I certainly didn't know. I think I have a few friends that know. I've always been into the 2 main hit singles and because of those wanted to buy the albums back in the dZay, but never did. Nor did I (is this like Catholic confession column or what?) ever (remember) listening to either of the two albums with the big hits. Time to remedy the sit-chee-a-shun. Of the 16 songs here, I'd say 10 of them are damn good and worth listening to. The others are slight missteps or larger ones, but since this is a "best of" and no best of ever ever ever gets that one (or two) track(s) from a band's career that completely overshadows all the other songs in the individual's taste. Like, my theory is, based on what I know about The Knack, and this compilation, there will be, on one of their several albums, at least 1 song that for whatever reason strikes me stronger than all of these. I think this is a fairly general truth. All I want is some truth. Just gimme some truth. I bet Sir Charles O. knows about The Knack's better qualities. I should ask him. Ok, I will. Until then, don't be afraid of The Knack. They're more than "My Sharona" and "Baby Talks Dirty" although it cannot be understated how DNA-alteringly catchy that (those) riff(s) is (are). Also, as a bonus, this version of "My Sharona" includes the full guitar solo and the guys are rippin' it up. For your next party, play The Knack, but try a different song.
The Scorpions: Blackout (1982)

Always dug the cover art (though not quite as much as the album w/ the rich couple in the limo and there's like 2 feet of bubble gum stretched between a woman's bare breast and a guys open hand. I would've liked to have been invited to that party). Ya'll as far as the hard rock stuff goes, this. is. my. jam. I'm pleased it still tickles me years later. I used to listen to this album several times a week (I also used to listen to U2's Boy several times a week). I'd recently started playing guitar and always fostered dreams of hard rock / heavy metal world domination

Mathias Jabs is tearing up solos all over the place and to my mind they were (and are mostly still) completely logical and belong on the songs, being both flashy and musically relevant to the individual track. And how can you not love Klaus Meine? He's just a-one of a kind he's just Meine all Meine. Oh, I'm punching clever today boys and girls. Keep up. And really, The Scorpions singing about the end of the world and the perils of cocaine. That's sweet, gimme a biscuit. The rhythm guitar rocks as well and there's just nothing bad I can say about this album. It's fun, it's metal, it's oh-so-sensitive just to let you know it can be, then it rocks your socks again. Hello America! We are The Scorpions! We're here to rock you like a...oh, wait, that's a later album. Stay tuned for the sequel.

I'm glad to know ya. Come by the store and clue me in to your fave rekkids. Buy some new ones. That's what we do.

CD Cellar
Falls Church, VA
Arlington, VA
Leesburg, VA

Whose Loss?

Lately I've been struggling with wanting her intensely. She wants to be just friends. I'm trying to be ok with that because, frankly, it doesn't help my cause not to be. There are problems with this stage of our "just friends era": she's very busy. Legitimately busy. A career-oriented job, career-advancing training, her social life, the normal things we all do when we're not at work, responsibilities, chilling out, hanging with our various groups of friends. All that is fine, but since we became just friends I fell out of the above list. Since then there hasn't been much time for me.

Perhaps part of that is also her own need to make the transition, though I'm guessing it must be easier for her because it was her decision. We haven't even talked on the phone in 3 weeks. I've called a few times, gotten the voicemail. Messages were always returned but only as text messages or eMails. She hasn't called me. Yet in a recent eMail her last sentence was, "call me sometime if you want and I'll do the same". I called. Voicemail. She replied a few days later in eMail apologizing, but she'd been under the gun w/ finding a new housemate.

So I recieved another eMail Friday and I think it's been bugging me since. She went out of town (I knew this, she told me she was going out of town). She got back on a Tuesday. I knew this because she told me in the Friday eMail. So, again, she's in contact but 3 days after returning from a trip and in an eMail. Does that mean she doesn't really want to call?

It's a tremendous drag because I really like this girl. During the time I was seeing her or we were hanging together, however you want to put it, I felt so fucking good most of the time. I felt I could really do great things, even if I was just at work processing stock. In my head I was charged with energy toward finding some new way to be good to her, hang with her, kiss her, make her laugh, go places with her. And much of the time it seemed like she was into me as well, though twice she took me aside making sure that I realized she was not looking for a serious relationship. I felt ok with that but I think my style of being with someone facilitates them thinking that I'm actively building a serious thing. I wasn't, not actively, which was a surprise to even me, but I was ok with how we were, with perhaps a few adjustments which I never brought up to her.

She's so great. If you know her, you probably know this. I'm not saying I think she's perfect. I'm not saying she's "the one". I'm not saying I can't live without her. I am saying that being with her and being near her helps propel me toward doing the things to better myself on all levels. And when you both know and are attracted to someone like that, you know you've got a winner.

So the flip-side of my dilemma is, if I CAN'T manage to tone down my desire for her that easily and the want of being with her makes it seem then she's in the right for ending the physical / intimacy side of the relationship. The snag for me, as stated before (perhaps not clearly) is how can we really be friends when there's even less time for me than before (when we were hanging out I'd see her once or twice a week, and only gotten to spend an entire day with her once in the 4 months I've known her)? How can we really be friends if she doesn't call and take initiative to invite me somewhere or to do something? I'm available. You know I'll call if you want me to. I'm not about playing games, that takes up precious time that could be used enjoying each other's company with few pretenses. Romantic mystery is still an option even when you know how much someone likes you. I've been going out frequently, hanging with friends, enjoying their company, doing my own thing and will continue to do so. But half of the time when I'm out having fun I still lack the full-on joy. When I'm with her I feel joy. It almost feels like a punishment not being with her. Most of what I want is to be good to her. I don't really ask for to much. Of course the first thing I'd ask for if I could would be more time. So I'm stuck.

I guess I DO ultimately want something serious, but I wasn't imposing it on her and I wasn't honestly actively trying to get her into something serious. I definitely am/was serious about being as good to her (socially, physically, emotionally) as I could be and I felt at that I was steadily improving. I told her point blank (twice, actually) if she met someone else and liked them / wanted to spend more time with them, I deal with it.

But here I am, not fully successfully dealing with her not being with me. I have no idea if in the 3 weeks since we've last been together if she's seen anyone / seeing anyone on a dating level. I suppose at this point she doesn't have to tell me if she is. I'm not sure if knowing would make my recovery any easier. I'm actually open to my seeing someone too, but I'm not actively looking and even when I have met someone, so far it's been a nice conversation and a spark of physical desire on my end but not that extra something I found in this girl.

This is all a bit one-sided. I promise you I'm not an obsessive threat to her or anyone. I'm basically looking for a way to adjust my understanding so I can deal and move forward more quickly than I seem able at this point. I know I can be her friend, but my desire for her is tremendous and I know she doesn't want that so I have to find my way through that. On her end I think it'd be fair if she took more of an initiative to invite me over, invite me out to a social something (museum, film, whatever, y'know, what friends do) or to dinner as a friend or something that lets me know she really does want to be friends and wants to do things with me not just when I ask. I'd like her to share more, as friends do. I see the fine line there between what I state and what seems to be a slight for me being led into thinking she wants to resume intimacy or physicality. There is that "hazard" and I imagine I'd be right in my own crosshairs in that one, but I think it's the same "hazard" all people deal with whether there's stated attraction or not.


I want to be effortless, at least in appearance, when dealing with this and be able to be with her and laugh, joke and bond as easily as we did without my desire cropping up and making itself a nuisance. I think I can be her friend without the physical aspect. I know I'll want the physical aspect, but I've survived that scenario with a girl dozens of times before I met her. What I need to do is to show her I can be her friend without the physicality so she can feel comfortable about hanging out with me and not having to stress about whether I'll start trying to / asking her if we could "go back to like it used to be." That is one of my main challenges right now. I'm up for it, despite my intense desire. But at this point I still believe she has to make the next move and call. I've called. I've invited her to things recently. She's got to meet me half-way and then trust me that we can move forward together. I've got to earn & keep that trust, yes, but I also have to first be given a chance to do so. If I keep calling and asking her to do stuff, even though she said to call, then that's not going to work.

I don't think she's playing me or stringing me along. Again, she's been legitimately busy. She has so much going on in her life right now (and probably before she & I met). I've just fallen from getting to be with her once a week and talking to her several times a week to not seeing her for 3 weeks and only receiving answers to my calls / messages via eMail. That's a long way to fall. I have to tell you I do feel some of the blame is with me. I was too vocal about my attraction to her. Even though we weren't in love and I knew she wasn't interested in being serious, I felt telling her these things empowered me (I felt good about her, I wanted to share that and it made me want to share a lot of myself with everyone) and it's easy for me to want to give back to someone who is making me feel kingly.

Kingly.

I remember once it was late and she had to work early and I'd already stayed too late for her to get her usual needed amount of sleep. We were holding each other and talking quietly. I said it was time for me to go and she smiled, shook her head, held me tighter and said, "ten more minutes."

Kissing. One night she was driving me mad because, for whatever reason, her lips were noticeably softer than before (and I notice stuff all the time; her lips are soft to begin) and I just could not get enough of kissing her. She is the best kiss I've ever had. I can't tell you how much I miss that. I suppose I am telling you exactly how much I miss that.

There so many details left out of this. What's here doesn't actually paint me in a great light. I seem like a jilted, selfish, immature boy, despite the praise I give her. You probably couldn't stand to hear me whine about it, talking in circles about how great things were but how grey they are now. Why can't I just be a man and find someone else? It's the independent ones they are more attracted to anyway. I sound like my obsession is the very kind (and at the very level) that anyone, man or woman, would abhor in having to deal with in someone that was attracted to them. I promise you, it's not. The last thing I want to do is show her this weakness. She knows how I feel about her, that's never been a secret and if I had to do it over again, I wouldn't keep it a secret then either, though I'd try much harder to moderate it's frequency of divulging. I want to be strong for myself so that she trusts I can handle something difficult (and abstract) like this. So she feels more comfortable about hanging with me. I've said that before. Circles. I do want things from her. Up to now I haven't asked for much. I think several of the things I want I deserve as any friend would.

Regardless of all that, what's ultimately most important to me is that I get right with myself. I lost a bit of my mojo 3 weeks ago, I still have plenty. I need to keep channeling what I have into bigger and more positive things for myself. Just like I would / should had I never met her.

But I have to tell you (again), being with her is a major mojo boost. Major.

I do miss you. But I feel you should consider me more than it seems you sometimes do.

Cinco de Mayo de la Muerte

Some nearby peeps in Arlington hosted a Cinco de Mayo party and due to mutual friend connections I was invited. Cool house, fantastic back porch OMG and a backyard. There was plenty of beer (Mexican, of course), plenty of really strong Margaritas (I could only manage a few sips before I conceded defeat), pinata bashing, and later, just as we're walking out around 2:30 a.m., gin-soaked watermelon, which, had it been served much earlier in the evening I prolly would've gotten tipsy from. Loved that. I'll have to try that at the next barbecue.

It was a pretty cool party which actually picked up steam at times when you thought it was dying down. Of course, by "picking up steam" I do somewhat mean certain people became too drunk and started wrestling in confined spaces, oh, and perhaps punching the vinyl-siding of the house in the back, oh, and perhaps leaning a little too much on the barbecue grill (thankfully covered and not in use) and, oh, perhaps walking around with a 5 ft. long thin styrofoam thing and pretending it was a penis and cracking up while he sort of insinuated it in people's faces while letting them know his penis was now in their face. Actually funnier than it sounds and just as obnoxious.

Later, around 12:30 I'm in the dining room talking with 3 people, 2 friends I came with & the wife of a mutual friend/acquaintance. I think at some point it turns medical because the wife, M, works @ the Arlington Hospital. One of the guys in the group is also currently dealing with his father's Leukemia and I mentioned I knew what it was like to be on call like that. It was then M asked if my dad was still alive. I said no and started to calculate how long he'd been dead.
Just then I realized it was nearly 4 years to the day. My dad died on May 8th (very early morning, sometime between 3-5:30am).

Now, I told them it was 4 years exactly, May 5th, so it's really embarassing I got that wrong (sorry!).

I've never been to visit the grave. Not sure that I will, It's the kind of thing that doesn't serve any purpose for me. The kind of things I'd be doing there, at the cemetary is exactly the kind of thing I already do on a regular basis: reflect upon his life, my life in relation to his parentage, our relationship before and during the cancer. I mean, I just wrote about him a few days ago. So, I'm glad I didn't actually miss the anniversary (still embarassed I got the date wrong at the time).

It's 5 a.m. No idea why I'm not asleep. I have to be up in 3 hours for work. It was a long, but good Friday. Lunch with a friend I don't often see, sold some stuff for my store (stuff that we actually couldn't sell very quickly or get much for it), came home, played guitar, took a nap (old man me), took some pics (you can see them on my flickr.com pages) and then went to a party. Came home, went running (my new thing is to run up the steep hill on Wilson near where I live. I hate to run, but the hills will get my legs in better shape than they are) edited & posted my pictures and posted 3 "new" songs to mySpace. It'd be nice if I could post several new songs each month. I'll have to make that a goal. I feel like I could sleep for a long time, I just don't seem to WANT to go to sleep and the longer I stay up, the more difficult it might be for me to wake up on time. I guess this is my cross.

Saturday is a full shift @ work and afterwards I think I'll be helping my friend T paint the walls of his new business.

Sunday? Work a full shift and after that the sky's the limit. There are several films I want to see, so maybe I'll look into that. Or just go somewhere & sit outside if it's nice.

Mixtapes, mixcds, mixed up

Thursday, 4 May at 16:19
Like probably most of the people in here I'm addicted to making mixes for friends & loved ones, though not that interested ever in making mixes for myself. Usually what I'll do is listen to one of the mixes I've made for someone else and enjoy it / judge it, trying to envision how I could've made it better or how to do better on the next one. For a while I was nearly incapable of making mixes as I sold nearly my collection and left the country for Australia. That only lasted 4 months and now I'm back in the states, poor, in-debt but with tons of music thanks to a new-ish computer with massive hard drive capacity and a part-time job at a second-hand CD store.

Right now I'm in the midst of planning a 2-disc mix for a dude I barely know but met through this girl I was seeing. He's leaving the area, pretty much for good for school. He's a good guy and made a good impression and I wanted to send him off with a cool mix that of course traverses all the genres but completely makes sense. I think actually today is the last day I'll have an opportunity to see him before he leaves and there's no way I'll have it done, so I have to rely on his roommates to hook me up with his contact info, which is kind of a pain because the girl I was seeing isn't really seeing much of me these days. Oh well, it'll happen. I'm not sure why it became so important that I make him this mix, but I guess that's sort of who I am - if I meet you and I like you, I want to give to you of myself & time. I want the memory of me and how I can be to be somehow on some level indelibly imprinted within you. Kind of egotistical, but essentially in a good way. It's my way of saying I'm willing to go the extra effort and you're worth it. Honestly, I'd love to make a(nother) mix CD for the girl I was seeing but that'd be wrong wrong wrong. I want her back, but a mixCD ain't the way. In fact, that's laughable. Besides, I've made her 2 2-CD mixes (one for Valentine's Day, one for her birthday), she's liked them, but like other things I think at this point it's falling by the side. Maybe that's one of the additional reasons I want to leave her roommate with something - I'd made him a mix before and he was very vocal about how much he enjoyed it. I feel I'm disappearing in the daily consideration of the girl and therefore that household and I find this particularly sad.

I'll Be Your Private Dancer

My friend T (male) takes dance lessons. It's like ballroom stuff, foxtrot, waltz, Latin and other stuff. He loves it. Great fun and good way to meet new people, learn a few steps. It's kinda expensive, but each enrolled student is allowed to bring a guest each week. This way, the school gets a new body (or, for them, preferably several) each week to tempt them to sign up for a slew of lessons.

This week I was that body.

T's been inviting me for a while, and as I love to dance and am always up for meeting new people I promised him I'd go and this week I arranged my work schedule so I'd have the evening off (last week I couldn't go because of the FilmfestDC & Brothers Quay film). I was looking forward to it. T was telling me how there's often beaucoup attractive ladies & how I'd love it. Again, I won't say no, but I assured him that if I wasn't going to just have fun (as opposed to going in hopes of picking up someone on the wafer-thin mint pretext that I can dance a few steps) then I wouldn't go. So I was going because it sounded like fun. The hotties are a potential bonus.

Your boy was the ONLY guest in this week's class and they made me wear a name tag.

-10 pts to my suave factor. If word gets out on the street, I'll have the gangstas gunnin' for me fo shizzle.

I was initally put off by the lead male instructor and his terrible analogies, but I got over that quickly. This was a new kind of dancing for me and remember I'm about having some fun.
Now, if you take me to a club or a party and there's music on, I can seriously dance for a long time with only a couple of breaks. I tend to feed off the energy from others and the music and when I definitely feel the advantage in taking a break, I can usually put it off if all the other factors are in line. No thinking, no worrying, just working up a sweat and trying to avoid knocking the next person over.

Formal dancing, such as what we were doing in this class is a whole other beast. I found myself counting and concentrating, remembering and consequently losing my rhythm when I tried to ply my partner with conversation. Not all the time, but often enough that I definitely noticed and felt embarassed. For me, it doesn't matter that it was my first time in this setting. I want to be good. On many levels I want to be notable, even though all that's really going to do is increase the chances of being sales-pitched to sign up for the full suite of lessons. Anyway.

We started with the foxtrot, which is pretty easy on the basic level. One of my first partners was a woman in her 60s, fit as a fiddle and a great partner because she helped me with my posture and all that. When I dance I want to move my shoulders, hips, everything. Foxtrot don't play dat. "Keep your shoulders rigid, " she tells me. At least for now. She actually had some great insight on generational differences between men & women, my generation and hers, financial situations (as in back in the day women made WAY less than men) and all how it factored into dance lessons & the social aspects. Helen. I'm pretty sure she was English. Pretty damn cool insight I thought.

We did a couple other dances, one which was easy and also the waltz, which for me was not. And then we did all the dances again, this time learning how to turn in each one (sometimes harder than you might expect, sometimes not). There were more guys than girls in tonight's attendance (for which T kept apologizing as if it was his fault), so a couple times I just sort hung back and practiced w/o a partner. I think we outnumbered the ladies by 2 and there were 3 couples who mostly danced with each other because of comfort level and also one couple were pretty damn good. My partners were all nice and ranged in age from slightly younger than me to way older. Funnily there was a drop-dead gorgeous girl who was actually wonderfully nice but a terrible dancer. I kept thinking it was me, y'know, losing my rhythm and my Ant-Cool Form because I'm like concentrating more on keeping my jaw attached to my face while I'm dancing with her. But later, T said w/o hesitation that she's not a good dancer (he actually used the word 'terrible'). At one point she actually stepped on MY foot. Not a strong sense of rhythm at all, but hey, guess what? Probably one of the reasons she's taking classes. More power to her.

It's very possible that she's a good dancer with freeform club style dancing but you'd be surprised how difficult formal dancing can be. I found it equally fun as frustrating. It seems so unnatural to be so rigid when you're supposed to be dancing & feeling the spirit of music.
Anyway, everyone I met & danced with was nice and most of them were really good to dance with. They forgave my mixups and thanked me when we finished (which I suppose is also custom, but getting thanked never hurts). The music was also a hinderance. We had to do one of the types of dances to Billy Idol's "Dancing With Myself". It SORTA worked, but for me it was a damn stretch.

For the last portion of the class other instructors joined us and we did all the dances with only a few seconds of pausing inbetween. This is where I got in a little more trouble. Our class instructors were 2 guys. The other instructors were a mix of more guys and girls. ALL the girls/women were gorgeous.

TRUBBLE.

I realized later that this is ALSO by design: the instructors dance with various people and get them to sign up for 2 private lessons (only $25! what a deal!) and mesmerize you with their fluid forms and beautiful faces.

I'm sorry, what? where was I? How long was I in a trance?

Dudes and dudettes. I'm such a sucker. I danced with 3 of the female instructors (one of them 3 times) when I should've run for the hills, taken a bathroom break or run out behind the dance studio and buried my wallet so they couldn't get at my money.

Did I do any of these things? No.

Your boy found himself in the glow of these ladies and ended up succumbing to the 2 private lessons deal.

There's one born every minute and I was pushing ten.

The one girl who got me did so because I felt instantly comfortable with her and she made me laugh, and as I was a newbie and the guys outnumbered the girls I got to dance with her 3 times, so that didn't hurt. AND I got to use my shoulders and hips with the foxtrot with her, so that worked for me too.

Another instructor, from Lithuania or Belarus I'm told was also great, she actually taught me a few more things about posture and how close I should / could be when doing one of the rock-step dances. She had ice-blue eyes which I found so mesmerizing in order for self-preservation I had to re-direct my attention toward myself and away from her, "How am I doing?" "How's my posture?" "What's my name, again?"

We had a bit of a break and dammit if the main (I guess the school manager, not our male instructor) guy didn't point out to everyone there that "This week's class has only one guest and his name is..." me. At this point I took OFF my name label (HI! MY NAME IS NEWBIE!) and put it above my left knee.

We had one final round of dancing and I met a 3rd instructor who I'm told was from Czech Republic. She had an open-backed dress. Life is good. She too actually helped me a bit with (left) hand placement (keep it at eye-level or just below) and other posture advice. When I got around to asking her name she looked at my shirt for my name tag but I'd put it on my pants leg. "I'm Anthony." She eventually sees my nametag and I add, "See, I put it just above my knee so it'd be easier to remember: Antho-KNEE" and she briefly lost her rhythm laughing at my really bad joke. I've got a million of 'em. Didn't lose anything in that translation, baby.

Consequently, I'm moving to Czech Republic.

Evidently my level of humor might go over well there and I'm frequently reading how women find men with a sense of humor very sexy. Perhaps I've just been in the wrong country.
So yeah, I succumbed to the sales pitch. I go back for 2 private dance lessons and after that I'll call it a day until I get rich enough to afford the larger package and then I'll consider it.
It was fun. I'm terrible at the waltz. A pair of instructors demonstrated it for us and the dude was like melted butter on feet. I thought, "Yep, I going to be that smooth." So I was taking these major long strides and trying to glide like an ice-skater but I was doing a bit too much too soon with a partner that was significantly shorter than I, but we worked it out and I brought it all back down to earth, realizing that Mr. Butterworth is a professional and I'm not gonna be as good as him (ever) for a long time. What was great though was how several of the ladies who were taking the class had done the dances enough to help me and I dug that. I'm fairly decent at taking direction. Ladies, I'm talking to YOU. Ha-ha.

I found it truly surprising how tired I was afterward. I even broke a sweat in the last 10 minutes. We never moved very fast and there were many breaks but this kind of dancing, at least in the beginning saps your mental energy just as much as the physical and perhaps more. I'll still take freestyle dancing over this formal stuff. There's a great dynamic with freestyle for me that the more energy I put out, the more I seem to collect. At least for short burts of time.
There are a lot of formal dances that have much more practical use and appeal (particularly the Latin ones) than foxtrot & waltz, but I don't think I'll be around for those.

Geez this a long post. Are you actually still reading?