The Title Means Nothing. The Day Should've Meant More
Today I needed sleep. I could've gone to bed earlier, but didn't. I woke up with my alarm @ 9 a.m., but couldn't push through and took the time to re-set it. One more hour, that's all I need.
Up at 10:30. Hot shower, feels good. Out of the house. Drop by work to pick up my meager paycheck. On my way to my bank, which is 30 minutes away since I've yet to change banks or open a new account in a local one. It takes me 30 minutes just to get out of Falls Church due to huge delays on two completely separate roads, forcing me to backtrack 3 times. Third time's the charm.
When I got to Manassas, my bank was closed. I'm a bonehead for not remembering it closed at noon and not 1 p.m. I'm weak for not being able to get out of bed when I should've in order to get to the bank on time.
I drove to my friend's house. I need sleep. I finally arrive and instead of going in I just lean my seat back and go to sleep. Eventually his wife comes out and wakes me, hoping nothing was wrong. I just need sleep. I sleep a bit longer and finally go in. Their 3 kids are always over-joyed to see me, and I usually them but today I just do not have it. I normally rough-house and let them climb all over me and act more their age for the first hour or so and then it's adult time, but today I just do not have it. I play with them a little but fairly passively. Their parents leave them in my care for 30 minutes or so as they take a trip to the local hardware / home furnishings store. It's ok. I wasn't expecting it, but it's not a problem. Everything's fine.
My attention is constantly sought, shown-off for and in demand by the kids. One can barely ask a question before another asks another. Usually I'm ok with this. Today, I do not have it. I'm a bit short with them. I don't play "horsey" for more than 3 minutes. I don't let them climb my legs and do backflips. I do let them walk on my back. That actually feels good. I do let them climb over me & use me as a pillow as I lie down and watch a movie. That's ok except when they start fighting over position. I fall asleep 2 or 3 more times while watching movies. I'm inside all day. I'd rather be outside, but the only people outside are the kids and I have no energy to play with them. There isn't a huge amount of personal interaction with my friend or his wife until dinner time. They ask me about you. Well, the wife asks about you. I ask the husband, "didn't you tell her?" but no...I guess not. So I give her the update trying not to sound too pathetic. I tell her I do want you "back" but not sure what to do, since it seems obvious that's not what you want. I mean, even when you finally invited me to do something with you, it was last minute and you text-messaged me instead of calling. So, did you really want me to come?
I can't imagine what I've done to deserve not even the courtesy of a phone call. You haven't called me in 2 months. And even when I called you, you'd only respond by eMail or text. That's lame. I'm not actually tired or weary of trying to coordinate time to do something with you. I just don't know if you think it's worth the effort. You know me. You know if I can do something with & for you, I will. You make it sound like our schedules are so out of sync. Your schedule is out of sync. Mine is open for you. Mine is open for any number of people who want to spend time with me. You have more demands on your time than I do. And when you do have free time, I'm not the first choice, obviously, that comes to mind. That's not even so terrible. I can deal with that. But I still don't think much of an effort is being made. I deserve a phone call. I was doing my best to treat you as best I could and I only felt that was even going to improve as other parts of my life did so. I felt I was doing well. I do realize my mistakes, but they weren't mistakes of neglect, taking for granted, ego or mistreatment. I played by your rules as best I could despite a few things that were pretty unfair to me. I barely complained. I did my best to reassure you why I was so enthusiastic about being with you and why that enthusiasm was nothing for you to be afraid of, concerned about or suspicious of.
I even gave you an easy out, should it occur. If you found someone you wanted to be with more than me, just tell me and I'd find a way to deal with it. But there wasn't anyone. Or, at least that wasn't why you stated you wanted our physical relationship to end. I guess to that point, that doesn't matter. You were fairly in control and if you didn't want certain things to happen anymore then that is completely within your right. And, as such, I complied. I called when I thought it was appropriate and when you invited me to do so. I admittedly came up with some weak ideas for things to do, but I was still making an effort and wanted to included you on something that I was going to do (or wanted to do).
I have no idea why I'm rehashing this. It seems all my feelings are sort of moot, because c'est la vie. No one gets out without getting hurt, or confused, or angry. No one is spared felt being wasted or thrown away at some point in their life. I have to take my lumps like everyone else. It's almost like I don't even have an argument and as such, should be able to move on effortlessly just by forcing my logic to dominate my feelings. Good luck with that, son. I'll keep trying, but I've barely managed thus far.
I drove home, fairly depressed, not only how a rare Saturday was nearly completely wasted but just plain stupid loneliness. This is all kind of stupid. I called my friend hoping she'd invite me over, but that didn't happen. She was half-asleep watching a David Lynch movie. I wasn't even sure if she was alone or not. I kind of regretted making the call: pathetic. Still, I liked hearing her voice.
Everyone's got their thing going on and I'm still just around when it's convenient. And I stuggle interminably with just putting my nose to the grind and "making" myself more interesting, more outgoing, more everything, but it all just seems so cosmetic sometimes. I do a million things by myself and doing more things by myself is just more time by myself. Gee whiz, then when I do get to be with someone I can spend minutes at a time recounting to them how interesting my life is. I guess we all do that to a degree. On its own, my life can be, has been, and will be pretty fucking interesting. But with you, it will be amazing. There is more than a handful of people that last thought relates to. Figure it out.
Up at 10:30. Hot shower, feels good. Out of the house. Drop by work to pick up my meager paycheck. On my way to my bank, which is 30 minutes away since I've yet to change banks or open a new account in a local one. It takes me 30 minutes just to get out of Falls Church due to huge delays on two completely separate roads, forcing me to backtrack 3 times. Third time's the charm.
When I got to Manassas, my bank was closed. I'm a bonehead for not remembering it closed at noon and not 1 p.m. I'm weak for not being able to get out of bed when I should've in order to get to the bank on time.
I drove to my friend's house. I need sleep. I finally arrive and instead of going in I just lean my seat back and go to sleep. Eventually his wife comes out and wakes me, hoping nothing was wrong. I just need sleep. I sleep a bit longer and finally go in. Their 3 kids are always over-joyed to see me, and I usually them but today I just do not have it. I normally rough-house and let them climb all over me and act more their age for the first hour or so and then it's adult time, but today I just do not have it. I play with them a little but fairly passively. Their parents leave them in my care for 30 minutes or so as they take a trip to the local hardware / home furnishings store. It's ok. I wasn't expecting it, but it's not a problem. Everything's fine.
My attention is constantly sought, shown-off for and in demand by the kids. One can barely ask a question before another asks another. Usually I'm ok with this. Today, I do not have it. I'm a bit short with them. I don't play "horsey" for more than 3 minutes. I don't let them climb my legs and do backflips. I do let them walk on my back. That actually feels good. I do let them climb over me & use me as a pillow as I lie down and watch a movie. That's ok except when they start fighting over position. I fall asleep 2 or 3 more times while watching movies. I'm inside all day. I'd rather be outside, but the only people outside are the kids and I have no energy to play with them. There isn't a huge amount of personal interaction with my friend or his wife until dinner time. They ask me about you. Well, the wife asks about you. I ask the husband, "didn't you tell her?" but no...I guess not. So I give her the update trying not to sound too pathetic. I tell her I do want you "back" but not sure what to do, since it seems obvious that's not what you want. I mean, even when you finally invited me to do something with you, it was last minute and you text-messaged me instead of calling. So, did you really want me to come?
I can't imagine what I've done to deserve not even the courtesy of a phone call. You haven't called me in 2 months. And even when I called you, you'd only respond by eMail or text. That's lame. I'm not actually tired or weary of trying to coordinate time to do something with you. I just don't know if you think it's worth the effort. You know me. You know if I can do something with & for you, I will. You make it sound like our schedules are so out of sync. Your schedule is out of sync. Mine is open for you. Mine is open for any number of people who want to spend time with me. You have more demands on your time than I do. And when you do have free time, I'm not the first choice, obviously, that comes to mind. That's not even so terrible. I can deal with that. But I still don't think much of an effort is being made. I deserve a phone call. I was doing my best to treat you as best I could and I only felt that was even going to improve as other parts of my life did so. I felt I was doing well. I do realize my mistakes, but they weren't mistakes of neglect, taking for granted, ego or mistreatment. I played by your rules as best I could despite a few things that were pretty unfair to me. I barely complained. I did my best to reassure you why I was so enthusiastic about being with you and why that enthusiasm was nothing for you to be afraid of, concerned about or suspicious of.
I even gave you an easy out, should it occur. If you found someone you wanted to be with more than me, just tell me and I'd find a way to deal with it. But there wasn't anyone. Or, at least that wasn't why you stated you wanted our physical relationship to end. I guess to that point, that doesn't matter. You were fairly in control and if you didn't want certain things to happen anymore then that is completely within your right. And, as such, I complied. I called when I thought it was appropriate and when you invited me to do so. I admittedly came up with some weak ideas for things to do, but I was still making an effort and wanted to included you on something that I was going to do (or wanted to do).
I have no idea why I'm rehashing this. It seems all my feelings are sort of moot, because c'est la vie. No one gets out without getting hurt, or confused, or angry. No one is spared felt being wasted or thrown away at some point in their life. I have to take my lumps like everyone else. It's almost like I don't even have an argument and as such, should be able to move on effortlessly just by forcing my logic to dominate my feelings. Good luck with that, son. I'll keep trying, but I've barely managed thus far.
I drove home, fairly depressed, not only how a rare Saturday was nearly completely wasted but just plain stupid loneliness. This is all kind of stupid. I called my friend hoping she'd invite me over, but that didn't happen. She was half-asleep watching a David Lynch movie. I wasn't even sure if she was alone or not. I kind of regretted making the call: pathetic. Still, I liked hearing her voice.
Everyone's got their thing going on and I'm still just around when it's convenient. And I stuggle interminably with just putting my nose to the grind and "making" myself more interesting, more outgoing, more everything, but it all just seems so cosmetic sometimes. I do a million things by myself and doing more things by myself is just more time by myself. Gee whiz, then when I do get to be with someone I can spend minutes at a time recounting to them how interesting my life is. I guess we all do that to a degree. On its own, my life can be, has been, and will be pretty fucking interesting. But with you, it will be amazing. There is more than a handful of people that last thought relates to. Figure it out.
posted by Afterlife at 10:43 PM
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